Erotic Blueprints: Tools for Everyday Erotic Energy with Ryan Brown

In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, I talk with Sex, Relationship and Certified Erotic Blueprint Coach Ryan Brown. Together, we explore how understanding the Erotic Blueprints can unlock new ways to experience pleasure, connection, and self-expression. Ryan’s own story, from growing up in a conservative, sex-negative environment to embracing their full erotic and gender expansiveness, sets the stage for a conversation that is both honest and inspiring.

As we dive deeper, Ryan unpacks what makes the Erotic Blueprints so powerful, explaining how they can be maps to guide us toward a richer, juicier experience of life and intimacy. Along the way, we explore the difference between sexuality and eroticism, how to bring play and curiosity into everyday life, and why dismantling societal boxes around sex and gender is essential to finding authentic joy.

Ryan also shares practical tools and coaching insights, from mirror work for healing body image to practices that invite more presence and pleasure into daily routines. They bring a fresh perspective on gender liberation and platonic eroticism, offering a vision of erotic energy that is both expansive and deeply human.

If you’re ready to break old patterns and discover new pathways to connection and self-discovery, this episode will give you the tools and inspiration to begin.

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Deborah Kat [00:02:31]:

All right, so taking a deep breath in. Welcome to the Better Sex Podcast. My name is Deborah Kat and I am your shameless host. This is the Better Sex Podcast where we have unfiltered conversations about sex and relationships and the many different ways there are to do sex and relationships. This is a frank and unfiltered conversation and may not be appropriate for all ears, so please listen with care. I truly believe that a sexy world creates a safer and a sexual sex and a safer world. And so if you want to do your part in creating a safe and sexy world, Please hit like subscribe and leave a comment. Today we are going to dive into the world of my guest, Ryan Brown.

Deborah Kat [00:03:28]:

Ryan spent most of the past 10 years helping people to improve life function and relationships. They are a super certified erotic blueprint breakthrough coach and an accelerated evolution coach. They work with people one on one to help increase joy, connection and self expression. Ryan, you are just such a walking, living, breathing, self expression example. So I'm really delighted to have you here. I know sort of read the official bio. But tell me a little bit like how did you get here? What's your story?

Ryan Brown [00:04:13]:

How did I get here? It's, it's such a long story. There's like, what I want to say is, well, I got here inevitably, but of course that's true of all of our stories is how we got here inevitably. But I think like a common thread for me and how I got here was that for whatever reason, I don't know why, but for whatever reason, the erotic and sexuality has just been magnetic for me ever since I was old enough to get a little boner. I've never been able to turn away from it. Counter to the way I was raised, right, right. Super conservative, super Christian, very, very limited view of what sex was. Almost all of it definitely bad. Right.

Ryan Brown [00:05:06]:

All of these things that many of us can identify with. There's only heterosexuality. Homosexuality is evil. Like in spite of all that stuff, I remained inexorably drawn to my own eroticism and my own sexuality. And the struggle was long simply because I. And in the way that I couldn't escape it, I can never turn away from it. I also can never fully embrace it because I carried with me this idea that somehow I was deficient, somehow I was bad for being so interested in sex. And the more energy or time or attention that I gave to it, the more it meant I wasn't doing something important in the world.

Ryan Brown [00:05:47]:

Something that like good quality people are out there like being scientists and solving big world problems and ending world hunger and like you know, arguing for peace and you know, what kind of a person is just super interested and focused on sex. And I struggled with that for a long, long, long, long time until frankly I found, I found Jaya, who's the creator of the erotic blueprints. And I was introduced to that community by, by my partner and I spent a weekend with them, you know, in an event that they run. And by the time I was done with it, it was like OGs had like locked into place inside of me that were just waiting for the right, you know, impetus. And I realized that it was actually totally okay for me to embrace fully, like, my sexual self and have sex be wonderful and okay and magical and that I could use that to further my purpose in the world. And I knew what that was, right? It's like, I want to promote joy and healing and liberation for people. And it just clicked that I was like, oh, my God, I don't have to continue to worry about, like, my sexuality being something that puts me in a negative light or like sort of a disadvantage. It's like, actually, this is fucking great.

Ryan Brown [00:07:07]:

Of all the ways to self actualize and become a joyful expression of your full self in the world. Like, there's many ways to approach it, but sex is one of the primary ways, like plug directly into life force energy and see what happens. So all that stuff clicked into place for me. And, you know, along the way also, I began this really fascinating and joyful gender journey. And that's, that's how I got here. So now I'm sitting in front of you because of all that.

Deborah Kat [00:07:34]:

I love that and I love feeling your passion around realizing that, you know, yes, sex is. Can be a big part of our mission. It can be a part of who we are. In fact, when we remove, you know, in, in the Tantra world, sexuality is linked to creativity, which makes sense. You know, we use sexuality and totally, and we create humans from it. And so it makes sense that we would create so much more. And so I love what you're saying about, like, bringing that in. And I've got a couple of questions for you.

Deborah Kat [00:08:15]:

First, I want to. I want to start by, you know, you use the word eroticism and you use sexuality. And for some people, they kind of conflate those two. And I'm wondering if you can kind of like, you know, what do you mean when you talk about the erotic and eroticism?

Ryan Brown [00:08:31]:

Oh, excellent. For me, the erotic is plugging into life force energy. That's like, to me, what they are. What erotic eroticism is, is connecting with life versus energy. So it's a very big umbrella, right? It's like there's a lot of things that are erotic. My gosh, Go out and look at nature. Like, go look at the way flowers are constructed. Go look at the ways animals are interacting.

Ryan Brown [00:08:57]:

Like, go look at the way things get together, right? There's eroticism everywhere. Um, and it's creative, right? Like you suggest. Like, this is how we create all kinds of things. Sexuality is like a sort of a subset under there. It's like of all the ways that eroticism can be expressed, sexuality is just one chunk of it where we like put our bodies together in certain ways or whatnot and get into like that form of, of engagement. But to me, eroticism is a much bigger umbrella and can be applied like across life. It's not just with partners in the bedroom. It's like all of life can be erotic and tapping that energy and using it for all kinds of different things.

Deborah Kat [00:09:39]:

Absolutely. I love hearing that. And it's funny as you're talking about that, I'm like, yeah, you know, when we start looking at our lives as like, where, as an erotic experiment of like, how do we bring a little bit more eroticism to, to, to the thing that we're doing? You know, it can, it. It changes it. It changes the experience. I know I have been, my partner and I have been doing Pilates together, and there are the days that I'm just not into it are the days that I'm like, okay, what am I feeling in my body? Where can I find that? You know, that extra little. And you know, it changes the whole experience. And I imagine, you know, I'm, I'm imagining that you have similar types of things that you do with, with eroticism.

Ryan Brown [00:10:37]:

Yeah, totally. What, what came to mind as you were speaking was just the concept of playfulness for me is also really huge. And so as you were talking, I was thinking like, oh, yeah, well, how do I make things like doing the dishes pleasurable? It's like, okay, well, the dishes are just a chore that you have to do and you don't have to make a thing of it. You can just do it. Or you can go put on something slinky and fun and turn the dishes into a little bit of an erotic experience. Getting into the sensation of the temperature of the water and the feeling of the soap. Like, bringing the eroticism into the mundane is a life giving practice. So, yeah, that's another example of like, the erotic is big.

Deborah Kat [00:11:19]:

Beautiful. Thank you. I'm curious. You know, you mentioned Jay, you mentioned the erotic blueprint and, and being a coach there, and I'd love to hear a little bit more about your experience with that. Like, you know, what if. What are you discovering as you work with people around that?

Ryan Brown [00:11:42]:

Yeah, well, I should start, I guess by like, at least briefly explaining, like, what the heck are the erotic blueprints?

Deborah Kat [00:11:48]:

Yeah, please do.

Ryan Brown [00:11:50]:

It's a framework for understanding, expressing, and exploring arousal. So it came about through Jaya's work as A somatic sexologist. That is a person who works with people's bodies. And over, you know, a couple of decades of doing that work, she started to notice patterns in people for how arousal shows up. So she paid closer attention to it and collected data and ended up with like, there are five general categories that one can use to describe how human beings get turned on. And those five are energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter. So each of those categories, like, there's characteristics for how arousal shows up. There are aspects of, like, what shuts arousal down, what makes arousal hard to access.

Ryan Brown [00:12:43]:

We think of them as like, superpowers of the blueprints and shadows of the blueprints. And by learning about this stuff, it really, like, I see. What I see in people is light bulbs go on all the time. Oh, my God. Now I understand why it doesn't work for me to have sex when my bedroom is a mess. Because I'm a sensual person. And part of the pleasure that I get, part of what allows turn on to arise in me is when I look at my surroundings and I find them pleasing and I find them orderly. Right.

Ryan Brown [00:13:12]:

It makes me be able to access turn on more easily. So people have those kinds of light bulbs turn on. People have the light bulb turn on of like, oh, my whole life I've been. I've been behaving sexually in a way that I thought I was supposed to, and that's always been hard for me. Oh, it turns out that that's not my blueprint. If you're a man socialized as a man, identify as a man. You have, and you grew up in the culture here, United States of America. You have been taught to be in the sexual blueprint.

Ryan Brown [00:13:43]:

Sex is about orgasm. Sex is about body parts. Sex is about nudity. Nudity. Sex is like, you know, get down to business, let's just do it. But the fact of being a man does not make you sexual blueprint.

Deborah Kat [00:13:55]:

Right?

Ryan Brown [00:13:55]:

And there are, you know, roughly 25% of men ish. Are sexual blueprint. The rest of them are other things. So this light comes on where it's like, oh, now I understand why that has never really worked for me. Because I'm sensual or because I'm energetic. And so going at it isn't what turns me on. What turns me on is gazing lovingly into my partner's eyes and feeling the energy exchange and breathing together. That's what turns me on.

Ryan Brown [00:14:22]:

That's energetic blueprint stuff. So the blueprints turn on light bulbs for people that help them see more clearly who they really are. And what's really fun, what's really magical about the framework is that what it really shows you is where you're at, and it shows you where you can go if you want to. They are not boxes for people to climb into and say, oh, I'm a sexual, and that's who I am. It's like, no. Right now, your body most easily has access to arousal through the sexual blueprint. They're changeable, they're expandable. Ultimately, everyone can grow into the shapeshifter blueprint, which is combination.

Ryan Brown [00:15:03]:

It's like, we like it all. I'm definitely a shapeshifter. Give me all of it.

Deborah Kat [00:15:08]:

Yes. Yes, I am as well.

Ryan Brown [00:15:12]:

So that's like. That's the magic of it to me. What has been beautiful for me is like, oh, my gosh, it's like a. It's like a map. It's like a blueprint for, like, how I can grow into a bigger, broader, deeper, more realized sexual being.

Deborah Kat [00:15:30]:

Yeah. And I really want to underscore what you're saying here about growing into having, you know, being able to experience the different aspects of the different blueprints, because I think many of the frameworks I see are like, you are this, and you're going to stay here. And what I see with. With clients, with couples, especially if they're. They. They have different blueprints that actually looking at, like, where is the overlap? Where can we find the. You know, where. What.

Deborah Kat [00:16:04]:

What are the things that. That are erotic to both of us? What are the things that are erotic to my partner that I can expand on because I love watching my partner in pleasure. That's the best.

Ryan Brown [00:16:19]:

Yeah.

Deborah Kat [00:16:19]:

And I just want to say, you know, it's. It's. It. The sexual blueprint is the cultural blueprint.

Ryan Brown [00:16:25]:

Yes.

Deborah Kat [00:16:26]:

It's two people. They come together.

Ryan Brown [00:16:28]:

They.

Deborah Kat [00:16:30]:

Yeah, well, I'm. There's some foreplay, but, you know, maybe. And. And there are certainly times when that is the thing.

Ryan Brown [00:16:39]:

Yeah. Yes.

Deborah Kat [00:16:41]:

And there are times when, you know, I notice, at least for myself and for many of my clients, that, you know, it's easy in the beginning, in the new relationship energy. Yeah, it's really easy because these actually seem to lean a little bit more towards the sexual.

Ryan Brown [00:17:01]:

Yes.

Deborah Kat [00:17:02]:

But as you're together longer and as you are, you know, looking for. For expanding outside of, you know, like, we've done this for a while, and it's fun, and it's still fun, and I'm wondering else, what is available.

Ryan Brown [00:17:17]:

Yeah, totally. I feel prompted to say something really important about the blueprints, which is they are not hierarchical. Like, we were just sort of, like, naming something about the sexual and, you know, maybe laughing a little bit about how, like, yeah, people just get together and they just start fucking. I want to make it really clear that none of them are hierarchical. It's not better or worse to be an energetic versus a sexual. There's nothing wrong or broken or inadequate about any of the blueprints. What's important about them is understanding their strengths and understanding the shadows so that you know where you're operating from. In the sexual blueprint, there are shadows present, which we see in our culture really strongly.

Ryan Brown [00:18:02]:

Right. Which are they, like, so focused on orgasm and getting to that end point that a lot of stuff gets ignored or missed along the way. So, so obsessed, so keen on. On. On bodies and parts that other things are not accessible. A disinterest in expanding into other blueprints because I'm a sexual, and that's all I need, and that's all I want. Like, we would call those shadow aspects that a person can choose to take a look at. I just want.

Ryan Brown [00:18:33]:

I just don't want anyone to get the idea that, you know, some blueprints are better than others because they're not.

Deborah Kat [00:18:39]:

No, no, not at all. They all have their. They all have their superpowers, and as you all have their shadows. And again, at least from my point of view, you know, certainly the more that we can, you know, the more access we have to these different superpowers, the more aspect. I mean, the more. The more. The more possibility we have with different people, which is.

Ryan Brown [00:19:04]:

Yes. Yeah. If that's how you roll, that's absolutely, like an awesome thing. That is one of the superpowers of being a shapeshifter is that we can play kind of with just about anything, with just about anybody. There's something in it for us because we like so many things. That's a wonderful and amazing superpower of the shapeshifter. But. But it comes with shadow too, because sometimes shapeshifters are so adept and so used to joining a partner in what they like, that a shapeshifter misses out on the things that they need.

Deborah Kat [00:19:39]:

Yeah. I mean, I identify as a shapeshifter, and I would say that there is a time where I had to, like, really settle down and be like, okay, what is actually mine and my desire and can I have it without that other person there? Like, I'm so in tuned and there's so much get off on Being there and, you know, all the good stuff and what I found for myself was when I was able to come back, when I was able to actually be like, well, what is my desire? You know, in and of itself, by itself, you know, I found a whole, you know, a whole different level of self connection, self relationship, which then again, I could take out and play with more totally. And, you know, so. So, yeah, definitely looking at the shadows gives us more access to. To having more play with other people and more joy and more connection.

Ryan Brown [00:20:39]:

Yeah, yeah.

Deborah Kat [00:20:40]:

And it's not a. It's not a stagnant, you know, sex in general, the eroticism in general is not a static experience. I mean, life in general is not static. And so one of the things that I really appreciate about what we're talking about here is having that mindset of what is available here, what is, you know, if I allow it, what. What. What can be here?

Ryan Brown [00:21:09]:

So, yeah, you're really, like, sort of laying out lies at the core of my work, which is helping people come home to, like, what is it that I want? Who am I as an erotic being? How do I. How do I understand that? How do I communicate that? How do I call that in with partners? How do I know that I can handle it myself? How do I be my own best lover so that I know, like, I can. I can actually largely meet my own needs if I need to, and that everything else is bonus, like, those kinds of things are the inquiries that I like to invite people into, which always brings up challenges because we are so conditioned to, throughout our entire lives of, like, the role we're supposed to play, the things we're supposed to feel, what we're supposed to like, what we're supposed to not like. And until one has gone inside and taken a good long look at, like, who am I as a neurotic being you might be. I mean, this is the pain point for people is like, well, my sex life is okay, or my sex life is kind of crappy. I don't really know why I want to help people relieve that stuff. It's like, well, it's because your authentic erotic being isn't available. Yeah.

Deborah Kat [00:22:26]:

So what is an authentic erotic being?

Ryan Brown [00:22:32]:

Well, I mean, what's the simple, simple other words to use? What do I understand? What can I say is. Is my truth about my eroticism? What is my turn on. What are my interests? What are the things that deeply satisfy me erotically? And that authenticity is for most of us, unless we've done work around it, it's covered up by rules and obligations and, you know, the way we're told we're supposed to be. So what is my authentic erotic being? It's the one that appears when all of this stuff that's been put upon me has been cleared away. It's like, let's clear away all that stuff and get you down. Get me down to where I'm like, you know, metaphorically naked, right? I'm free of all of these things now. What's there? Who do I, who do I want to be with? How, how do I like to feel? How many people do I want to be with? What is love to me? It's a deep inquiry into one's own life experience and to examining, like, what is it that I even want? And I think for so many of, like, that question is not something anyone ever asked me or prompted me to think about. I had to come to that kind of myself.

Ryan Brown [00:23:59]:

And I wish that our culture would do that way early, right? And start like, really checking in with even young children in age appropriate ways to examine, like, who are you? What feels good to you? What about your body and how you interact with it? And inviting people into this process of self discovery instead of downloading a bunch of stuff onto them so that maybe later in life they decide to do the exploration, right?

Deborah Kat [00:24:25]:

And so what do you feel like are some of the boxes that culture sticks us into or the limitations? What are some of those?

Ryan Brown [00:24:34]:

Oh, man, there's so many. The big ones. For me, like, everyone's, you know, boxes are going to be, you know, more impactful than others. But for me, gender is a gigantic one. The, the role that I'm expected to fill based on my, what, my genitals, or as some people insist today, based on my chromosomes, by the way, all that stuff is off base, right? Gender is complex. Gender is not about sexuality. We're not going to do a big gender thing here. But it's a box that we're told to be in.

Ryan Brown [00:25:04]:

And in our culture there are two boxes. And that is just on the face of it, so profoundly limiting that it makes me angry. Like, I'm actually pissed about it because I spent my whole life believing that I needed to be in this box of being a man. And I struggled, struggled with it. I was angry with my father for not showing, showing me. I was angry with culture for not showing me. I struggled with, like, why is it that when I go into a store or whatever and people call me sir, I hate it. I've always hated it and I hate it to this day.

Ryan Brown [00:25:32]:

And it's because nobody ever told me that those boxes were manufactured. Those boxes are, like false things that aren't even real. And it's only when I busted out of that box and was like, wait a minute, I'm going to be a whole human being now. What's that look like? That. It's like the shades went up, life got bright, Joy got bigger, all because I moved out of that box. So that's one of them. Gender is a huge one. Another one is your expected sexual role.

Ryan Brown [00:26:04]:

Like I earlier alluded to, like how strongly men in our culture are connected to and taught that they are sexual blueprint. Well, similarly for women, I would say predominantly women are going to most readily assume themselves to be sensual. It's like, this is. These are boxes that we are. That we are taught to put in. And for a man who spends their life thinking they are the sexual blueprint of behaving in that manner when they're actually energetic is just. It's sad for them. It's really disappointing.

Ryan Brown [00:26:37]:

They stink. They're broken. It's like, what's wrong with me? Like, I'm supposed to like this stuff, but it just doesn't work for me. My relationships come to an end. I mean, okay, sorry. I know. I'm going.

Deborah Kat [00:26:46]:

I just want to be. I just wanted to be. To pause and just, you know, have people understand the difference between a sexual blueprint and an energetic blueprint.

Ryan Brown [00:26:56]:

Oh, yeah, great. Sure. I use that example a lot just because it's so stark in our culture. Right. So the sexual blueprint, again, is like what we think of as sex in our culture. Right. If you. If you, you know, bring up a porn video or something, there's a 98.7% chance it's going to be sexual blueprint.

Ryan Brown [00:27:14]:

It's like people get naked, people have sex. People like parts, people like orgasms. It's kind of about getting the job done. Really fun. That's what the sexual energetic blueprint is. A person who is really turned on by slowness, by spaciousness, by contact, and by contact, I mean, like, you know, one version of it is eye contact. Like, what is it like for you to just focus your eyes on another person's eyes? And energetic loves that. But for a lot of people, it's like, oh, my God, I can't look at a person for more than two seconds before I have to look away.

Ryan Brown [00:27:55]:

So the energetic blueprint thrives on that. I describe, like, my experience of the energetic blueprint is an absolute just love of the almost ness of Things. It's like almost kissing is better than kissing. Almost penetrating is better than penetrating. Well, not all the time, but it's really good. Almost touching. Right. The almostness of things is what really lights up the energy.

Ryan Brown [00:28:25]:

Energetic blueprint. And it's a powerful blueprint. It's so cool. You can have. You can have incredible connective sex with a person without touching them, like, from across the room. It's really, really fun to play in. So those blueprints are profoundly different. And if you are a man in this culture, no one teaches you anything about the energetic blueprint.

Ryan Brown [00:28:46]:

Everything I just said was probably like, what the are you talking about? No one knows anything about it. And you're just stuck with this, like, well, I'm supposed to take off my clothes and get hard and do these foreplay things and then have sex. And if that's not satisfying to you, if that doesn't leave you fulfilled and probably, like, sexual blueprint is not your main blueprint, and maybe the energetic is. So that box. What blueprint are you. Even though we don't use those terms in our culture, we're still, like, placed in this. Women are essential. Men are sexual, weirdos are kinky.

Ryan Brown [00:29:22]:

So, yeah, boxes we get stuck in.

Deborah Kat [00:29:27]:

You know, I'm going to invite you to just talk a little bit about the kinky blueprint. We've named pretty much all the other ones.

Ryan Brown [00:29:33]:

Yeah, okay, sure. So in the sort of. In the. In the context of the blueprint framework, the way that we think about kinky really comes down to what is taboo. So it isn't specifically about anything. It isn't specifically bdsm. It isn't specifically flogging or any of these things that I think culture associates with. Oh, that's kinky.

Ryan Brown [00:30:00]:

I would say it's kinky for you if it's naughty, it's kinky for you if it's taboo. If being flogged is something that you think, oh, my God, I don't know that I should be doing this, or I don't think I should like this. That's putting it in the kinky category. So kinky is so fascinating because it can literally be anything. For a person who's raised in a certain way, it may be incredibly kinky to have the lights on during sex. If. If you, you know, got into your body that you're not supposed to do that, it's like, oh, let's turn on the lights. That can be kinky.

Ryan Brown [00:30:32]:

So it's really about zeroing in on what that taboo is for you. And the turn on in that is playing in the kinky blueprint. So kinky people. Like, it's wildly creative. Anything can be like. Anything can be kinky. Oh, my gosh. Like, is there a limit to the kinks? There is not.

Ryan Brown [00:30:52]:

No matter what you can think of, somebody has that kink, and so they can be really playful and really fun. Thankfully, the kink community has been growing maturing over the years. You will find many kinky people to be really, really good at safer sex. Really, really good at consent, really, really good at communication. There's. It's a great place to learn those things, is to, like, get into the community. And then the shadow aspects of being kinky are. Sometimes a person can become so sort of attached to the kink that that's the only way in.

Ryan Brown [00:31:29]:

So sex becomes really limited because it's like, well, if I don't get flogged, I don't get turned on. And that can be really limiting. And then maybe the biggest shadow for kinky people is shame, because in our culture, it's not embraced. It's not okay for you to have, like, interest in all kinds of things. There's only certain things you're supposed to be interested in. And if you're interested in something else, then you're weird. And so kinky people often really struggle with the shame of what it is that turns them on and feeling like there's something wrong with them and not wanting to share it because they'll be rejected, they'll be made fun of. That's a really burdensome shadow aspect of kinky.

Deborah Kat [00:32:06]:

I'm curious, in terms of your practice, do you tend to see more individuals? Do you tend to see more couples? How do you tend to work?

Ryan Brown [00:32:17]:

Well, I tend to work with the people that want to work with me. So I see singles and I see couples. I have a desire to see triads, quadrads, people in polyamorous relationships, but I don't yet have those people coming to me. So it's single people and couples is what I see. I, you know, I am very keenly interested in people that are willing to explore aspects of gender, just because that's such a big thing for me. But, you know, my clients are normal people with, you know, with challenges in their relationship and sex lives that are going to be readily identified by anybody. It's like, oh, well, you know, I. I have.

Ryan Brown [00:33:02]:

I have. I have a real struggle because as a child, I was taught, okay, I'm using. I. I'm talking about a client right now. So I Have this client who was taught as a young child that her body was terrible, and it was just, like, really firmly put in there over and over and over and over again all throughout her child and adolescence that her body was gross and terrible. And so she deeply internalized that. And it's showing up in her relationship because she can't be present for sex because she's so worried about how her body looks. And so she's spending all of her time trying to position herself in certain ways so that certain things can't be seen or that certain things don't.

Ryan Brown [00:33:39]:

Don't stick out or bulge in a certain way. And so people come to me with that kind of issue. It's like, oh, well, we're not having sex because of body image issues.

Deborah Kat [00:33:51]:

And then how do you work with those?

Ryan Brown [00:33:55]:

Well, in that case, yeah, it's funny. I wasn't gonna talk about this, but it's okay just to mention it. Right. There's a particular tool that I think is profoundly useful for body image issues, which is mirror work. And, you know, it's really spicy to do, but it's very simply stated. It's like you put a person in front of a mirror, and you start to give yourself affirmations. My body is beautiful. Look at this.

Ryan Brown [00:34:24]:

Look at that. And over time, it just works. It's one of those things that is like, oh, my God, that's so dumb. That won't work. I don't want to do that. But if you do it, it absolutely works. Those affirmations are guaranteed to shift things for you.

Deborah Kat [00:34:38]:

And it. It can bring up a lot. Like, oh, yes, It's. It's crazy how much that is what.

Ryan Brown [00:34:45]:

I mean by spicy. Spicy as.

Deborah Kat [00:34:49]:

Okay, good. Thank you. Thank you for that translation.

Ryan Brown [00:34:52]:

Yeah, when I say spicy, I mean stuff that is like, oh, it gives you this. It gives you the. Oh, my God. It gives you the scared. It gives you the shivers. Gives you that, I don't want to do this. Oh, my God. That's what I call spicy.

Deborah Kat [00:35:03]:

And it's, you know, for. For me personally, it's something that, you know, I've. I've had coaches tell me to do, and. And I haven't.

Ryan Brown [00:35:10]:

Yeah, totally. And that's, like, the beauty of coaching. And part of why I love it is, like, my clients give me permission to go pretty far towards making them do stuff. Right? So it's like, I understand that you don't want to stand in front of a mirror and say these things. I understand that it feels dumb. You're going to do it anyway. And we're going to track your progress, we're going to have you rate how you're doing and how you're feeling, and you're going to see how it gets better. So that's what we do.

Ryan Brown [00:35:43]:

Yeah, it's, it's fun, like setting that up. Like, first of all, it's like, okay, here's some affirmations, you know, fairly straightforward that you do in front of the mirror with your clothes on. Okay, how about trying that with your partner standing next to you? Okay, how about trying that when you're naked and your partner isn't there? Okay, now how about trying it naked while your partner is there and just increasingly increasing the fire underneath of that. But it's wonderfully effective at helping people with self confidence, body image issues. Really great.

Deborah Kat [00:36:19]:

Yeah. I imagine that the more that you do it, the more that there's that ownership of who I am and what I am. And I'm imagining that that's part of what works and what you're interested in with the explorations into, into gender is that that be accurate? Do you want to talk a little bit more about that?

Ryan Brown [00:36:40]:

I would love to talk about that. Oh my God. Of all the things that have happened to me in my, you know, 50 plus years of life, nothing has been more profoundly joyful and wonderful to me than my own experience of gender expansion. And for me, what that really is is a realization that, oh my God, I have the capacity to be a whole and complete human. And to me, trying to adhere to the rules and stay in a lane of gender that is socially constructed. Let's just be super clear about that. I know there's a lot of freaking argument these days about gender and people are doing some very harmful things. Gender is socially constructed, period.

Ryan Brown [00:37:28]:

It is not solely informed by biology. It is a social construct. So trying to make myself stay in the lane of being a man was painful and restrictive. And when I opened up to the idea that it's like, what's it like to be a whole human being? That is what clicked for me. For some people, it's this lane is wrong for me. I need to go away from the man lane and I need to go into the woman lane. And that lane feels great. I want to be in that lane.

Ryan Brown [00:38:00]:

That's what we would like generally categorize as like a trans person is going to go from this to that. I'm in the, like, I love the middle. I feel like the way that, the way that I thrive, the way that I connect most Purely to joy in my life is when I just let myself be. What do I want to wear? Never mind what fucking everybody else says. If I put it on my body and it feels good on my body, and if I look in the mirror and I say, oh, I like what I see, that's it. What else do I need? And that can be anything. That's not to say that I have completely freed myself to do whatever I want. I still have fear and I still have concern.

Ryan Brown [00:38:40]:

I'm aware that I could wear certain things in public that might be genuinely unsafe. I might actually, like, get in trouble. So it is complex. But the point that I want to convey is that going inside and checking out who I am, asking the question, like, of all the ways that I've been being and dressing and dancing and talking and making love and expressing myself, which of those ways did I choose for me versus which of those ways were given to me from the outside? My family gave me stuff, My church gave me stuff. Culture gives me stuff. The joy comes from a limit, like getting clearing those things out of the way so that I can say, well, what do I choose? And when I finally am able to let myself move my body in the way that my body wants to move, Joy. And it just so happens that the way I really love to move my body doesn't probably look to most people like how a man is supposed to move their body. But which do you want to adhere to? The rules that people laid out for you or to be enjoy? So when it comes to gender stuff, that's for me, that's what it's about.

Ryan Brown [00:39:58]:

It's about joy. It's about liberation. It's not about finding a new box to live in. It's about saying, like, God, who the hell am I? Let me be free to express myself. And when I do that, I'm full of joy. My relationships get better. There's more love in my life. I'm having more fun.

Ryan Brown [00:40:18]:

Creativity flows more easily. Everything just gets better.

Deborah Kat [00:40:23]:

And where is your attention these days? Like, what. What are you passionate about these days?

Ryan Brown [00:40:30]:

I'm super passionate about gender. Right? This is like wildly exciting for me. And I love my own journey. And I'm so keen on, like, supporting other people in theirs. I also have just recently really become interested in this concept. I don't know, it's a difficult one. But like, if I say the words platonic eroticism, like, they sound maybe like they clash and that you can't have one without the other. But I've discovered that it is Possible for the humans that have like the interest and done the work to be able to have these really amazing friendships that also include the erotic.

Ryan Brown [00:41:11]:

And I feel really passionate right now about calling that really into my life so they have a larger pool of people that it's like, yeah, we are friends, we are not in romantic attached relationships. But the erotic is available. And there are, there is a way in the blueprint community culture, like we do a thing called table time. And you just put a person on a massage table and you bring out all the sex toys and you get all the kitchen utensils and all the things that are fun to. Fun to play with. By the way, tip. Right, your kitchen is full of sex toys and a person gets on the table and then we say, what do you want? How do you want to feel? How do you like to be touched? How many people do you want to do that with? Right? And we give that person what they want and let them be in erotic space and they can be as erotic as they want. They can.

Ryan Brown [00:42:03]:

There can be orgasms or not. It's just like giving people that feeds them. And as human beings I think we really, really need that. And our culture does all to support that for us.

Deborah Kat [00:42:21]:

Right. It basically says don't. And also, you know, there's, there's. Should you choose the monogamous path, there is, you know, one person in your life that you can receive erotic attention from, touch from, you know, affirmations from all of that stuff is there's only one person that that's possible from. And I love, I love what you're talking about, which is this idea that, you know, we can have these kinds of interactions with each other and it can be done in a loving, consensual way. And it doesn't necessarily mean that we are ever going to do it again.

Ryan Brown [00:43:12]:

Right.

Deborah Kat [00:43:13]:

Maybe we get to do it every Tuesday between tune six. You know. Yes, I love what you're bringing. You know what this concept. I was recently looking at some of the relationships in my life and you know, there are definitely people that I've had for a long time where it's like, this is the person I go to, you know, parties with or whatnot. We may or may not ever actually have what looks like regular sex. But like we're there to support each other in that exploit exploration, you know, we're there to adventure and, and it's just, it's such a, like there's something so magical about that experience.

Ryan Brown [00:43:58]:

Yeah, totally. Oh my gosh.

Deborah Kat [00:44:00]:

And, and to allow it to Be exactly what it is without putting it into, you know, our theme, it seems to be putting things into boxes.

Ryan Brown [00:44:09]:

Yeah.

Deborah Kat [00:44:09]:

And the fact that there don't need to be boxes.

Ryan Brown [00:44:11]:

There don't need to be boxes. We don't have to do that. And what we're describing of like, allowing like a much broader availability of erotic touch and satisfaction does not, in fact need to threaten for or primary or anchor relationships, lifelong partnerships. There. There isn't an inherent danger there. There's a fear which is put on by a culture that says monogamy is the only and best way to do things. The reality is that all this stuff is available and you can still have your beautiful, like, deeply connected and attached partnership if that's how you roll. The other thing that came up when we were talking was another aspect of, of using neurotic blueprints to like, get into one's sexuality is that it changes the definition of sex.

Ryan Brown [00:45:02]:

Like, you talked about being with a person. And it's like, you know, we might do things, but, you know, most people wouldn't necessarily recognize that as us having what is sex. And I think plugging into the blueprints starts to open up, open up the, like, draw, open the blinds a little bit and allow that. Sex is actually a lot of things. It is a gigantic array of things. There is no actual end to it. It's really about what the people involved are feeling. If we feel erotic energy, if we feel orgasmic pleasure, whether or not we have specific types of orgasm or not, that sex.

Ryan Brown [00:45:44]:

There's a wonderful book that I recommend for everybody. Probably all your listeners have already read it, but the Ethical Slut is a super great book to read, and I love in there that they introduced to me the idea of, like, what is sex? It's any way that you engage with life force energy, which means that we're having sex right now. It's not necessarily erotic sex in the sense that everybody thinks of it, but you and I in this conversation are engaging with life force energy every time I do, like, we're always engaging with it. So it's this. That's an extremely expansive view of what sex is, but I just love for people to start to see, like, oh, wow, I thought sex was this narrow thing where we do, you know, we have a menu of activities and we do some of them. And that sex, it's like, well, can we broaden things out a little bit and let sex be a much. A much broader category of things?

Deborah Kat [00:46:44]:

So good. So speaking of which, I know that you have a really generous gift of your time and your energy. So which will allow people the potential experience of understanding a little bit more about themselves. Do you want to tell us a little bit more about that?

Ryan Brown [00:47:05]:

Yeah, I would love to. Basically what I understand is this. For lots and lots of people, the idea that you would start working with a sex coach is scary, preposterous, you know, terrifying, incomprehensible. It requires a lot of vulnerability to sit down and talk with somebody about sex. For many of us, even talking about sex with our partners is a rarity. So in order for people to work with me, we have to establish rapport, we have to establish trust. I have to be able to demonstrate safety. And so what I want to offer to people who are listening and thinking like, oh my God, this is really fascinating is just we get on the phone and it's free.

Ryan Brown [00:47:58]:

I will charge you $0 and we can talk for as little time as you want. If you're full after five minutes, you can just politely say, oh my God, I'm full and I will happily tell you goodbye or I will stay on the phone with you for as long as 90 minutes. And the purpose of that conversation is exactly that. It's like sit down with somebody who has done a lot of work around sex. I'm extremely, extremely comfortable talking about sex, everything, right? What's it like to sit down with me and talk about sex, Talk about your experience with sex. But to do it on your terms, to do it in a way where I am really focused on doing the best I can to help you feel comfortable, to help you feel safe, to never push you, to get into topics or say things that you don't want to do. I'm not here for shock value so that we can build a little trust. And that is the only way that I know how to bring people in to even want to do this work.

Ryan Brown [00:48:59]:

So I would love to offer that an up to 90 minute call just to sit down and talk with me about what's going on. There's no agenda, there's no, there's no salesy aspect of this. I'm not reserving time on that call in order to pitch you with something. We're just talking.

Deborah Kat [00:49:17]:

I love that that's really such a, such a generous gift of time and energy and to have the experience of somebody holding space for you, someone who does it as well as, as you do. So there will be a link in the show notes for folks who are going to take Ryan up on that offer, which I highly suggest.

Ryan Brown [00:49:41]:

Thank you.

Deborah Kat [00:49:44]:

So in a minute, I'm going to invite you. You know, if there's one thing that you want people to get out of our time together, what might that be? And while you're pondering that, I'm just going to take a moment and let people know how they can support the Better Sex Podcast. And so, you know, sex is a really complex question for many people. And so thinking about it, talking about it isn't always comfortable. And so I want to really invite you to use this forum, the Better Sex Podcast, as a place to ask questions. And so I invite you to go ahead and send us some questions. You can do that@debracatgmail.com and that will be in the show notes. Because sexual, you know, having that place in that person to ask those questions is super important.

Deborah Kat [00:50:43]:

So on that note, I'm going to come back to Ryan and say a. What would you say you would like people to get out of our time together?

Ryan Brown [00:50:55]:

I really hope that what y'all get from this is some, some inspiration or some motivation to do some. A little bit of internal questioning about, like, who am I as a sexual being? What does that mean to start asking yourself the question, like, what do I really want? How is that different from what I've got? And what I really want to drive home is that my experience tells me that if you are willing to engage with your sexuality, your life is going to get better. That's, like, pretty much guaranteed. I don't know how you could engage in a healthful way with your sexual journey and not have your whole life get better.

Deborah Kat [00:51:48]:

Love that. So engaging in your sexual energy is going to change your life in exciting and adventurous ways. So where is the best place for people to find you?

Ryan Brown [00:52:03]:

Well, I do have a website and it's, it's, it's humansex.com. you just need to replace the A in human with X. So it's H u m x n s x.com is where you can find my website. And I also have, you know, social media and it's all the same. It's human sex. H u M X N S X.

Deborah Kat [00:52:29]:

Got it. And again, those things will be posted in the show notes. Ryan, I am so delighted to have had this conversation with you. Thank you so much for, for joining me for sharing about the blueprints and your adventures and your story. And I love the ideas that we've been playing with around bringing the eroticism into everyday life, expanding the boxes around both sex and gender. And so I just. If there's. If for those of you listening.

Deborah Kat [00:53:10]:

If there's somebody that you think you know would benefit from this conversation, please send it out. Let them know about this and, you know, follow. Follow Ryan on all of the socials. Take him up on his offer of a conversation. And if you want to bring more love and sex and safety, please, like, subscribe and comment wherever you get your podcasts. Wherever you get your podcasts. And again, thank you so much, Ryan.

Ryan Brown [00:53:46]:

You are so welcome. It was my pleasure to be here. Thank you for having me, people. The only way for us to help is if people know about us. So please do share Deborah's podcast. There's lots and lots and lots. What are you at, like, 69, 70 episodes now of really, really great stuff, stuff about sex. So please share.

Ryan Brown [00:54:09]:

And Deborah, thank you so much. I really have enjoyed being. It's really, really fun to talk about this stuff with you.

Deborah Kat [00:54:16]:

Thank you, Ryan. I'm delighted. I am so delighted. All right, everybody, bye for now.

Ryan Brown [00:54:22]:

Bye.