Ejaculatory Control sexual Power for men with Leah Piper
In today’s episode of The Better Sex Podcast, we are joined by Leah Piper. Leah Piper, Founder of More Love Works and Co-Founder of the Sex Reimagined Podcast. Leah is a Certified Tantra Master Coach & Educator with a background in Positive Psychology. For 20 years she has been the primary female facilitator at the Source School of Tantra with Charles Muir.
By combining the ancient art of conscious loving with the modern science of well-being, her students have discovered that sex unlocks the keys to having a passionate, loving, and spiritually fulfilling life.
Leah has facilitated thousands of couples and individuals worldwide to elevate sex to an art form through live seminars, online courses, private VIP retreats, certification courses, and mentoring professionals in the sacred sex & relationship for nearly 2 decades.
Make your sex life better by tuning in to this episode!
Highlights:
(01:56) Getting to know Leah Piper
(07:03) Understanding premature ejaculation + how you can harness your sexual energy
(08:58) Can you really separate orgasm from ejaculation?
(09:21) Ejaculatory Control: How to do it
(12:20) How to deal with your partner’s expectation
(13:44) The importance of partnership to increase the sensations of desire
(14:00) Erotic Blueprint Model
(15:05) Why partnership really matters
Links:
Website: Leah Piper
Twitter: Leah Alchin Piper (@leahalchinpiper) / Twitter
Books mentioned:
Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving by Charles Muir
Deborah’s Links:
Send your sex and relationship questions to DeborahTantraKat@Gmail.com
For a free Truth and Clarity Session Appointments 3 — Deborah Kat Coaching
Website: https://www.deborahkat.com/
Email: deborahtantrakat@gmail.com
Facebook: Events Near Me | Facebook
Twitter: Deborah Kat (@TantraKat) / Twitter
In our commitment accessibility, help make this podcast more accessible to those who are hearing impaired or those who like to read rather than listen to podcasts. The transcription is far from perfect, and in some cases quite amusing. As we grow edited transcripts are on the list in the meantime please enjoy.
Unknown Speaker
All righty. Welcome to the better sex Podcast the place to be if you want to have better sex and more meaningful relationships. My name is Deborah Kat, and I truly believe that a sexy world is a better world. If you'd like to do your part in creating a better world, please like, subscribe and comment wherever you get your podcast. Today, I have the great pleasure of introducing my friend and colleague, Leah Piper. She is the founder of more love works, and adventure. She's an Advanced Certified tantric educator has been a tantric on that. I think I'm gonna pause and restart that. All right.
Unknown Speaker
know the drill, honey. All right,
Unknown Speaker
I'm gonna go ahead and I am gonna take a couple a moment to just do a couple of quick edits to make this a little bit easier. Sure.
Unknown Speaker
I think that's probably good try this one more time.
Unknown Speaker
Welcome to the better sex Podcast the place to be if you want to have better sex and more meaningful relationships. My name is Deborah Kat, and I truly believe that a sexy world is a better world. If you want to do your part in creating a better world. Please like, subscribe and comment where ever you get your podcasts. Today I have the great pleasure of introducing you to my friend, my colleague, Leah Piper. She is the founder of more love works. She's an Advanced Certified tantric educator and the primary female facilitator for the source School of tantra yoga. She has been teaching seminars with Charles Mears for over since 2004. Leah is L workshop leader, therapeutic coach, she's taught 1000s of couples and individuals all over the world, how to elevate sex into an art form. Using ancient modern and therapeutic techniques, her students have discovered that sex unlocks and locks the key to having a passionate, loving, spiritual and fulfilling life. I've been greatly fortunate to have been on the tantra path for a long time along with her, and our journeys have overlapped along the way. So I'm going to say welcome, Leah, and I'd love to hear you tell your story.
Unknown Speaker
Thank you. Well, there's so many interesting chapters to this story. Where to begin, I'll start with this. This is a chapter that involves you because the first weekend seminar I ever attended, was in Santa Cruz. And you were there you were one of the first people I met, and it was so nervous, and you were such a friendly, sweet, warm person for me to kind of latch on to. So thanks for being being that in my life. It's kind of fun, though. A big part of my journey started by meeting you. And prior to that, I had fallen in love like if you really want the Genesis story, I had fallen in love with a Bongo drummer who was too old for me, and and was the world's greatest embracer. So this is hands down. The best hug I ever got in my life is from this guy. And it was like he hugged me with his whole soul. And I remember him like he was big arms and he brought me in it was like he scooped me up and I felt like he inhaled me. Like he inhaled me right into his body. And it was one of those things you'll never forget. And I think right there is where I fell in love. I felt like wow, this person has got me and it was a whirlwind. It was so fun. He eventually broke my heart and When he toddle off, he left all of his books and all of his artwork. And the book that changed my life was in his library. And it was called Tantra, The Art of Conscious loving by Charles and Caroline Muir. It's still, I think, one of the best 100 books on the market. It's been around for 30 years, I think. So anywho, I was going through reading this book, and I could not believe that the things they were writing about or things I had experienced with him. And then it dawned was me, oh, my God, this guy was such a great lover because of this book. It was like ding, ding, ding. And I had a lot of mixed emotions. Part of me was disappointed, like, why didn't you share this book with me sooner? Another part of me was elated. I couldn't wait to bring this to the next partner. And I just tried to get my hands on everything else I could find from that point.
Unknown Speaker
Thanks, thank you. And I love that I, I love that memory. Thank you so much, I, some of those workshops here in Santa Cruz, just life changing, you know, not just for myself, but for just so many people. And just hearing you talk about that embrace, and being
Unknown Speaker
Yikes, sorry about that.
Unknown Speaker
And being you know, being swept into that brace embrace that was a full body, just incredible experience. And it's like, that's one of the things that is one, just one of the aspects that Tantra brings to the experience of connection and being with someone,
Unknown Speaker
that's pretty amazing that just one really good hug could change your life. And it definitely changed mine. And what was so cool about, you know, finding that book, and, you know, being at such heartache at the time. And I was able to on some level, and it took me more years to piece all the layers of this together. But the essential message that I got was, I keep on wanting to give him the power about what happened between us like all this bliss, and this like spiritual connection, and all this yumminess these places I had never been to before. And there was a part of my mind, or maybe my woundedness that wanted to say, Oh, well, I'll ever find anyone again, who can do that to me. And what I realized by reading that book is that he didn't do that, to me, he just pointed out in me, where that lives where that power actually lives. And then it enabled me to go forward and other relationships and keep bringing that part of me that he helped me awaken, so to speak.
Unknown Speaker
God, I just, I just need to highlight that piece there about the power being within you and the experience being with you. Because I think it is very common for you know, humans in general, but for you know, women, particularly to look outside of ourselves for that power. And as you said, like, you know, when somebody is able to touch us, or to we have an experience with with somebody, it's really easy to let go of, and forget that were part of the the equation there and just put it all on the other person. And so, you know, I know, one of the things that Tantra has certainly brought for me is, is having a practice of my own and being able to be more more of myself more in my own body.
Unknown Speaker
Yeah, yeah. You know, we were talking about earlier about, you know, this idea of sexual sovereignty, and our own personal responsibility for our own pleasure, for our own good time. We tend to just think like, oh, it's up to you to turn me on, it's up to you to give me an orgasm. It's up to you to make me feel something. And if we were, we could spin that and go, it's up to me to have an orgasm, it's up to me to feel pleasure, it's up to me to show up and be all in and be present and be in the moment with someone, then I have actual more freedom and more empowerment than if I tried to give that responsibility away. The the thing with that though, is that people need a roadmap. They don't know how to claim their sexual sovereignty. They don't know how to find themselves within their own skin, because we've been conditioned to believe that those things can only be awakened with another. But once you figure that out, man what you get to explore insects and then lovemaking becomes so much wider and so much more fun. And you no longer have a feeling of resentment. When someone's not satisfying you, and of course, there's hills and valleys to all of that. I mean, there are some times, maybe you know how to get yourself off. But that doesn't mean you feel like doing it in front of someone, I don't know.
Unknown Speaker
Well, now I'm kind of curious, I want to hear more there when you say get yourself off in front of someone?
Unknown Speaker
Well, like, I know, it seems to me that there's a lot of women that I encounter in particular, these Volvo owners, and they have a tendency to go, Well, I can always have an orgasm, when I'm by myself, I just can't have it when I'm with a partner. And that's probably because they are, they know their toys, they know which vibrators really work for them. So they have their system down. And I'm always curious as to like, why wouldn't you bring that into the relationship? And I could, I mean, I think a lot of answers look like, well, he gets intimidated, or there's a feeling of, he gets annoyed, like, he can't do it for me. So I just end up faking orgasms. I just think that conversation needs to change. It's like, let's bring in as many tools as we have to have the best sex we can have. And as long as we stay curious and out of judgment, we'll stay out of trouble.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, I so I so love that. I mean, Curiosity is such a big thing. And, and just as you were talking about changing the conversation, it's changing even the language about it, like the idea that you give someone an orgasm, or that, you know, somebody made me come or, you know, it's like, and not only is the languaging, it's pressure on both sides, like women fake orgasms, because it's like, they're in my experience. Because they're either too afraid to ask for something different, because they don't know how to communicate that. Or they're afraid that whatever it is they're going to ask for is going to be, you know, out of out of bounds or weird or too much. And then on the other side of the coin, if you will, you know, there's there's a lot of, you know, oh, I have to do this thing, if if she doesn't come then I wasn't good at this, or I'm not successful. And it's, it's that all of those expectations just end up sort of tying us up in knots and making things so much more difficult. And that pressure, you know, not only does it shut women down, or vulva owners, but it also shuts down penis owners. And, you know, one of one of the things that, that I really wanted to have a conversation with you about because I, you know, you're really an expert at this is, you know, talking about, you know, the what are the expectations of a penis and what, you know, we talk about? Well, again, the languaging talks about like erectile dysfunction, or, you know,
Unknown Speaker
impotency or all of these premature ejaculation. Yeah, right. And it's like, all of it is shaming. First of all, all of its
Unknown Speaker
shaming, but also it's like, you know, there's wisdom in the COC, or the penis, or, you know, Andrew Johnson,
Unknown Speaker
whatever, you got your big hard read that ding dong, you know, yeah.
Unknown Speaker
But, I mean, the body has wisdom. And that particular piece has, you know, part part has a lot of wisdom to it. And I loved what you were saying earlier about, you know, learning how to be part of the lifeforce energy that that you know, that is is that runs through through the, the penis holding body. So, so I'm wondering if you can talk about that there.
Unknown Speaker
Yeah.
Unknown Speaker
So it's interesting how our conditioning and you know, the way that our culture and our family unit and our friends and everything growing up really shapes what we think about sex, and how we feel about ourselves and our bodies and how we judge ourselves and judge our bodies. And for whatever reason, we have got this setup going on that goes something like this men are the ones who want it so they must know how to do it. Is it boys get a sex education that girls don't? from anybody, you know, they maybe they've got more access to porn, but I don't think so. So we're all kind of blind expecting the blind to lead us when when we don't really know totally everything. It's so taboo. I mean, I've had years to get comfortable talking with sex, or talking about sex. So it's so strange that I, when people get awkward about it, I have to really remind myself Okay, people aren't used to being this open. And I saw that a lot in my private practice, especially with men. When I started to realize, oh my god, there are a lot more people suffering from what we call premature ejaculation than I knew. I mean, I would say 80% of the phone calls I would get were people wanting help with premature ejaculation. And what is premature ejaculation? Well, for one, what is it like, well, premature, it's just what's too soon for you. If you feel like I'm coming too soon, then that's just all it is. And for some people that isn't too soon for other people. Yeah, maybe it would be. So what if we call it something like a jack literary control or ejaculatory choice, something that you could be better and more skillful at managing. And there are really easy, simple tools that Tantra has figured out in particular, there's a series of pressure points, and there's a ways to breathe and coming into stillness and all those things. I think sometimes what makes a penis owner hesitant is, well, if I stop all the friction, will I go soft, and then I've got another problem to deal with. I'm not realizing that, just like you said, cat. These penises have wisdom, honor, the wisdom of the wand is the thing we always say in class. And, and it's sad, because when we go back to language, we still we think of decks as dumb. You know, we call them pricks who are assholes. And so there's always this joke about which head is leading him the small hood or the big head, you know, just so all those things are very emasculating. So how we think about ourselves, and our parts is really important. And in Tantra, we refer to the penis as Lingam, as you know, and that translates to one of light or one of God. People of the Tibetan tradition often use the word Vada and isn't thought I'm gonna love the word Basha. It translates to Thunderbolt. Yes, you have Thunderbolt in your pants.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, my God, did you say that?
Unknown Speaker
So yummy. So good. So anyways, like back to a jack LaTorre control it let's take a look at an arousal scale. Okay to kind of paint a picture of of how different people respond to their object LaTorre impulse. If you look at a scale of one through 10, one being, I'm kind of warning 10 b Wow, I've ejaculated. Most men will go from a five or six or seven in their arousal scale, and then jump to a 10 Min with little or no control, we'll go from a one or two and jump to 10. And then there are men who have a hard time ejaculating at all with a partner. It's like they've trained their car to just be able to eject late just at the right speed and the right pressure and it hits this very narrow lane. And so they oftentimes don't ejaculate. And what this all means is that no one is reaching eight and nine, they're skipping eight and nine. And eight and nine is where all of the profundity of pleasure is. It's where those mystical experiences happen. And it's so yummy. So if a penis owner could learn how to surf those waves, right where they could ride the wave, but cut out before they get wiped out, they could have multiple, they could hit multiple waves doing that, you know, us having both lived in Santa Cruz, maybe we'll get that analogy a little bit easier because we've watched a lot of great surfers, but a good surfer knows how to cut out of the wave before getting wiped out. And eventually ejaculation start to wipe you out. As you get older, you get less volunteer corrections, and your erections become less firm. And when you ejaculate, it takes you longer to recover, meaning there's a longer refractory period between that last direction. And between that last ejaculatory orgasm and the next direction that's around the corner. So where you might recover right now and an hour down the line, you might take three days to recover. So when you start to learn the principles of a jack LaTorre control and choice, you start to have power over that you can you have a way to regenerate yourself so that you can make long love, make love long into your old age. You don't have to be like your grandfather, who struggled with erections. So how do you do that? Well, you pay attention, and you start to go Hmm, so Leah saying that there are wiser things I can do than what I currently know. Yes, there's a wisdom and our sexuality that our culture hasn't taught us about. So when you start to surf the waves, one of the things that you will learn Are is oh my god, eight and nine is so good. I don't even care about 10. In fact, my preference is to only go to attend, like once a month or every couple of weeks, because I've got so much energy, I feel so alive. I feel filled with Vitality. Now why could that be? Well, my theory is that if you take a look at how much energy is in one load, I believe the number is three to 4 million, or it's 300 to 400 million sperm per load. So think about this. You penis owners out there, you have enough sperm in your body to populate the planet as we know it. In your lifetime, that's a shit ton of sperm. Okay, let me just thank you very much. That's very impressive. We give you a round of applause. Way to go. That is gorgeous, darling. So if you have that much lifeforce, swimming around in your in your body, that's awesome. Nothing of this. The Chinese Medicine says that in order for all of that lifeforce energy to be filled with Vitality, so that you could actually create a life. The energy doesn't just come from the sperm, it also draws on all of the major glands and all of the organs in order to create the miracle called life.
Unknown Speaker
You know? Yes, as you're saying that, I'm just like, Oh, yeah. And not only, you know, the heart, and all of the different parts, you know, bringing that all together. And that's what Tantra does. So well, is bringing in not just the you know,
Unknown Speaker
that just the sex parts, yeah, not just the dirty bits.
Unknown Speaker
The dirty bits, or the private bits,
Unknown Speaker
or the private bits, oh, my goodness, the public and the pleasure bits.
Unknown Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So if you can imagine, like, it takes a lot of resources for your body to be able to have an ejaculation. And that's why you recover more slowly as you get older, because you don't have as much energy. So if you weren't going to create a generation with that next, a load of sperm, what would it be like, if you played with that energy, you sped it up, you got it sexy, and instead of squirting it, you preserved it, and you used it for regeneration for your own organs, glands, chakras and tissues, then that's sort of the theory behind this anti aging, miraculous ability that penis owners could actually dip into, if they were willing to learn this thing. That is counterintuitive, because unfortunately, your biology wants you to create as many little babies as you can, because it's worried about the humanity's future. And so your biology it will propel you to want to have an ejaculation. And this is where consciousness comes in. It's the difference between human animal and human spirit. Human animal, doll biology, baby, keep the species going human spirit, I got choice. Hmm, what's my wisest choice I can make? So there's a couple different elements that we're sort of exploring here. When I think about male sexual mastery. I think about okay, ejaculatory control, we're actually that's focused on a jack literary choice. ejaculatory choice is sometimes I ejaculating, and sometimes I don't. And I'm studying my body and my sexual response enough to know that sometimes not ejaculating is better for me. Now, you might say, well, Leah, what does that mean? I don't have an orgasm. No, I'm saying you can train your body to separate ejaculation from orgasm. That what we now know is orgasms is way bigger than we realize number one, and number two, you can discover more and more and more how to feel pleasure and new levels.
Unknown Speaker
And how to feel pleasure everywhere. Because I think what what I'm hearing today is that we're so and I believe, you know, partners are also very focused on penises. And our role in like, well, if it doesn't get hard, then I'm doing something right. Or if he doesn't, if he doesn't attack you late, I'm not doing something right. Or hey, or, you know, if it's too fast or too slow, it's like so there's definitely that piece around the partner. Also, the point, you know, being involved in how do we slow this down? And how do we bring consciousness on on both things? You know, one of, I like to think about, you know, so we've got two people involved. But once we become, you know, once we start the love making process, there's something that happens between us the third heard, or the experience. And as I'm kind of listening, I'm like, oh, that's, that's where the consciousness comes in. And that's where we actually start to wrap around each other. And bring that that that pleasure piece in. But I want to I just want to highlight something you said about the difference between orgasm and ejaculation or climax. And I know when I think about that, it's, it's a full body experience. And I just want to be like, is that what you're talking about? Or? Well,
Unknown Speaker
if I were to define orgasm, I would define it as the movement of pleasurable energy. Where if I were to define pain, it would be the stagnation of energy, that's painful. So it's like, Oh, my bad back, Oh, my bad knee, you know, all my elbow. It's like, wherever there is. Wherever the energy is stuck, it can often feel feel painful. Wherever the energy is moving, it can often feel pleasurable. So let's talk about like the last time you had a great belly laugh. Oh, my God, it's like Tears are coming to your eyes, you're shaking your whole body. Well, what most people don't know is that as we are having like a hilarious laugh, it often shows as if the vaginal walls are rapidly contracting, causing. So what's happening is women are actually having a pet orgasm while they are laughing hysterically. If you just tested it, because of vaginal orgasm, all it is, is the rapid, voluntary, involuntary contractions of the vaginal of the walls of the vagina. And laughing does the same thing. Crying does that having a good? Sneeze is pleasurable. So just think about your last sneeze and how satisfying it is. Well, some people describe an orgasm, like it's a sneeze in the groin. So we have all these things that if we think about it, life can be orgasmic. You can have elbow gases, and Eric ASMs and meek, ASMs and neck ASMs. And all these Gazans can happen everywhere. And we're so limited if we think it's only in the genitals.
Unknown Speaker
I love that. Yeah, so
Unknown Speaker
go ahead. Well, I think just one other thing is when I talk about men having orgasms separated from ejaculations, they should also know that those orgasms don't necessarily feel like an ejaculation. They have their own expression. So if you go looking for an orgasm, and you want a nun ejaculatory orgasm, and you think it only has to be like an eject literary orgasm, you're going to probably miss it. Because you're trying to compare it to the only thing you know. So this is an invitation to really explore the nuances of pleasure, and keep your mind open, so you don't miss a orgastic stream of yumminess coming up your spine.
Unknown Speaker
Well, and as you're saying that I'm also, you know, really thinking about how there's so many different versions of sexuality and sensuality and pleasure. And it's very easy to like, get into the groove, and not even realize that that's not actually the most pleasurable thing available. We were talking a little bit before about the different you know, the different blueprints, Giants work is amazing for this, but just like talking about how some people have incredibly romantic experiences, and some are more, you know, fast and furious, and some are a little bit more, you know, don't touch me, but just be in my energy. And, and the fact that, you know, our bodies are capable of all of these things, but we generally don't explore much beyond this sort of friction, passion. Experience. I'm kind of curious, like, so have you What have you found in your own experience that surprised you about male sexuality
Unknown Speaker
that it's more like women female sexuality than one could have. You know, there's a, there's this, again, this sort of conditioned idea of what men and women are and what sex looks like. And what's lovely is to realize that that is just been passed down from generation to generation. And it looks it has a different flavor in every culture. I grew up in the Midwest. So it has mine as a midwestern thing. It's got a Pentecostal and a Catholic thing wrapped around it. And it is just this. It's got layers of shame and guilt and fear. And I had to kind of move those layers yours up and over myself so that I could see who I really was when it came to sex and sexuality. Thank God. And as I watch people continue to evolve, peeling back their own layers, what is more and more and more obvious is that we are all precious, naked beings, wanting to be seen and understood and held and loved. And we Our deepest fear is that we are not lovable. And, and sex gets in the way around all of this because A, we're naked. So it comes with vulnerability to begin with, we don't have anything to cover ourselves up when it comes to sex most the time. And we grabbed my thought again. And so there's this vulnerability, and then there's this expectation. So it's fraught with risk. We want to be impressive, we want to leave a good impression, we want them to come back. And especially I think, for boys and men, there is this ideal. I mean, I remember hearing as I was sort of coming of age, boys, they're the ones who want it. So they're the ones who can figure it out. And and so what that did, is it it didn't leave room for me to believe I had permission to go discover. So I did, I would always look towards a partner go okay, well, you do it. I'll tell you if I like it. So it took me years before I could find out what do I like, before I went on my own journey to find my own map. For years, I just said, Well, I know what I don't want. But I don't know that I know what I do want. So wouldn't be really nice if I could hand you over a map and give you directions to turn on. But I didn't have one for a long time. And I think with women, we want to be so desirable that we forget to desire our partner, because we're so obsessed on remaining desirable. So we've just got all this risk and all this vulnerability, and all of our egos like what does it mean? If she doesn't have an orgasm? What does that mean about me feeling inadequate, and insecure? What if I'm not beautiful? What if I'm too fat or too thin? It's like all this garbage that we think matters. When really, it's just about love. I think that's where people get in trouble. And I've got a got great tips on orgasms. I can help everybody who's listening, all about orgasms. But what you really need to know is that if we make the goal orgasms, we're kind of missing the boat. A lot of times we won't have those orgasms we think we want or need. Because we're stressing out over it. Like you said in the beginning, it's become so stressful, that we forget oh my god, this is supposed to be fun. So one tip is if you make sex about love, orgasms will always follow. If you make it about orgasms, you might get stuck. And that just brings to mind agenda and expectations and where we get stuck.
Unknown Speaker
And you know, I was talking to somebody the other day. And they came they were saying that they felt like love was exquisite attention. Oh, and it just really you know what you were saying about? You know, if you bring in that exquisite attention, you know, on your own body of like, Oh, yes, where am I feeling that and then you're able to actually put that kind of attention on your partner. And that like, what happens if I do this? Oh, what happens if I do it a little more, a little less? You know, as Yes, that's it.
Unknown Speaker
That's it's like the big secret is be in the moment. And be curious, what if I did this? What if I did that? And for the person receiving it is to go Yes, more more or softer, softer or harder, harder. I mean, use your body to communicate. I think sometimes people think all we have are words. And what's interesting is a lot of people don't feel very verbal. Insects have a hard time giving voice to what it is that they want, or what they want to change. So I really encourage people to start playing with body language. be obvious with the way you're rolling and opening and arching and twisting, because that can lead someone to shift where they touch you make the sounds of groan and awe and direct someone somewhere else. You know, there's a lot of really cool nonverbal cues we can play with.
Unknown Speaker
Absolutely and for those that are listening and don't get to see it is amazing. Leah was moving towards the camera and microphone in a way. And I love the different noises and really using using the voice in that in that manner because you're right not not all of us are big talkers. Right? And some people it's like talking gets in the way,
Unknown Speaker
right? Yeah, yeah, you know one thing that I when I'm working with someone with a jack LaTorre control, I will give them a signal that they can use to go, I'm going to come soon, which is typically a tap teaching people to have a tapping that that you can reach your partner who might be pleasuring you, because our brain can come up with tactile communication faster, that he can come up with language. So you might go, Whoa, well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna calculate and then you already evacuated, you didn't have enough time to get those words out. So if you do a signal, then your partner who's pleasuring you can slow down, come into some stillness. Hopefully, the two of you will open your eyes or the four of you will open your eyes and take each other. And here's a moment to increase a little intimacy to deepen your connection to feel each other's souls for a moment. And then as you regain some of that control, then you start moving and grooving and shaking and thrusting and doing all your dances. But to be able to have a way to communicate to your partner, when you need the energy to shift so that you can continue to expand your threshold for being able to contain the pleasure that's happening in your body. And we can all benefit whether we feel like we eject late too soon or not. We will all benefit if we take some pause periods and lovemaking so that we can feel the moment with each other.
Unknown Speaker
Hmm. Yeah, the pause, I think that's something I really learned from you is is the pause. And not only as, as the giver, but also as the receiver. And being able to ask for, you know, Can you slow down? Can you pause and allowing that moment to actually expand in that particular in that particular way, so that we can bring the attention to, you know, what am I actually feeling? Do I actually even like this? Because I think, you know, as you were saying earlier, we're so conditioned to kind of go along with the program. And teasing out what is what is ours? And you know, and I kind of think of it as I'm talking, I'm like, oh, what does my body want versus what is my head think I'm supposed to do? And it goes, you know, kind of goes back to what you're saying about like, what do I look like? What am I doing? All of that good stuff?
Unknown Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And you know, I think, and I could be wrong, I'm sure this is not true for every penis owner and vulva owner, but I just had this thought occurred to me like, for me, being in we talk about the blueprints, I'm an energetic, sensual, but I'm really learning to open and move and lean into the other ones because I want to be good at all of them. I want to be connected to all of them. And but because energetic is sort of my go to what happens for me is stillness is like magic. Stillness amplifies my sensations. Stillness helps me like, make it bigger. Whereas I think by working with a lot of men, I've noticed that stillness helps bring it in and slow it down and kind of calm it down. It has more of a cooling effect, I think for many penis owners, and it has a warming effect for many vulva owners. And I think we can capitalize on that. I think we could really use that to our advantage as we're playing with wanting to have more expanded lovemaking. What What has your has you have you had? does that relate? Does that resonate with you or no?
Unknown Speaker
Well, yeah, no, it does. Um, so I'm, I'm a shapeshifter.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, lucky girl.
Unknown Speaker
Which is interesting, because as a shapeshifter, I get a lot of my cues and a lot of where I like to go from my partner and being in communion with my partner. So it's really been a very interesting experience learning how to, you know, close my eyes, come back into my own self and, you know, feel all the way down to like, Oh, yes, that's, you know, I do want a little bit more of that, where as in the past, I would have been all about the other side of the street and, you know, very much very much in performance. And yeah, so really learning that like it's not Got that. So it's as if there's something more real to me leaning back. Then leaning forward, like really leaning, learning how to lean back. And I think that, for me, that sounds very much like your pause. Right? When I was when I leaned back, it's it's the experience of allowing that pleasure to come to me versus Chase chasing it, because I'm kind of a chaser.
Unknown Speaker
Love that I'm following where you are taking us on that is really cool. Yeah, and I that really crosses a bunch of like paths that we've both been studying, because I can see where like, the energy classwork really kind of ties into that. And then you've got the blueprints, and then you've got the Tantra. And it's just so cool. Once you start studying these sexual art forms, y'all, it just gets more interesting and more interesting and more interesting. I mean, cat and I have been doing this now for decades. And are you bored yet?
Unknown Speaker
Oh, my gosh, no. And you know, it's funny, as you say that I I think about like, so I've been doing a lot of work with couples lately. And one of the things that couples will come in saying is that, well, there's two big things that I hear a lot from couples. One is that they're bored with their sex. And that generally translates to the kind of sex we're having is not actually enjoyable for my body. And I'm in I'm in, you know, that we're in the loop of what we think we should be doing. And then the other thing is, I got all excited about that. And I forgot what the other thing was. So they're, they're bored, or they're there, they're resentful, because they haven't actually ever said, This is what I really want. This is what I really need, you know, this is this is the way that that I want to play. And so, you know, the curiosity and bringing in all of these different art forms. And you know, I mean, the thing about art is like, you learn the structure. And then you get to let all the play Go. Yes. And so, and I, I am so curious, I know that you're up to a lot right now. But what what are you up to these days?
Unknown Speaker
Well, um, by the time this airs, we will have launched our sex reimagined podcast, so you all should go binge on that. There should be lots of episodes for you to tap into. And the way that we format it is I'm sort of the tantra representative. And my colleague Dr. Willa Brown, is the Taoist sexuality teacher that represents these two ancient traditions. And so half of our episodes each month are dedicated to us rapping about various subjects that come across our desks that we care about, that our students care about. And then the other half of the episodes each month is where we highlight a sexpert and we call that this expert on sexpert series. And I'm so pleased to say that Deborah Kat is going to be on our show. And so I will be able to switch seats with her and that'll be fun. So we've got that happening. And speaking of ejaculatory choice and control, we've just had been working on a series on male sexual mastery, and we've done it'll be now three parts of the series will be done, we've done a how men can last 10 times longer. And then what are the skills that a penis lover needs to know about how to support their partner, and playing with their energy differently, where they don't get offended, or they don't think oh my god, he didn't exactly what's wrong with me, or, you know, all the things that come up with our insecurities and our egos, but what it means if someone doesn't have an erection, or if someone didn't come, or if they came too soon, we create all sorts of stories about that. So we really try to help partners see their partner sexual energy differently so that we can come from a place of partnership instead of judgment. And then third part of the series is all about becoming the multiple orgasmic man learning how to have that full body pleasure that you spoke about earlier, and how to run that current throughout your body. And then also like, what are the benefits when you don't ejaculate every single time your sexual? What are the health benefits? What are the things that you know, renew your vitality and keep you young and how does that science work? And then our final series will be all about the male G spot, the male sacred spot, prostate massage, external prostate massage, how there is a key that unlocked a spectacular kind of pleasure. And for some of you you're not gonna like hearing it butts up your butt special up there, and we've got the keys to unlock it.
Unknown Speaker
Oh my god, that is so good. So and I really love that, you know you it says it sounds like such a full spectrum course here because you're not just talking to you know the penis enters but there is the those of us that love penises that I'm ready to support the penis owners already the support but ultimately, you know, again shift that mindset of like, what is this moment about? And where's the pleasure possible here?
Unknown Speaker
Yeah, and you know, for someone you know myself who's a Baba owner, I What has been the benefit for me being with a man who doesn't ejaculated every time, but still knows how to run their pleasure. Couple of things. One is, I had to learn how to take my power and stop manipulating him with it. Because I could be successful. If I could make you come. I could make you ejaculate, then I did my job. And I could hide behind that. Instead of being with Well, I don't always have an orgasm. How do I feel about that? Well, sometimes I'm embarrassed or sometimes I'm ashamed. Or sometimes it doesn't matter. But I can avoid that conversation in here, by making sure you ejaculate because I'll still feel like a success. If you don't evacuate, and I don't orgasm, then I might go oh my god, my failure. What's wrong? So that's a really good conversation to start to open up and to realize, why do you really want that story, you want a different one? Not only that, but when you're with a partner, since so many vulnerable owners have felt used and abused oftentimes by Venus owners. It can, there's some woundedness that happens, you know, there's a place where our resentment for that kind of guy gets, you know, stops our pleasure from being very, very full. As a vulva owner. So what I'm trying to say, and it's hard to put it into words, because it's hard to describe. But something really healing happens when you're with someone who doesn't always ejaculated because you know that they're coming to love with you not to get off on you. And that's the difference, because so many women have felt like men just jerked off inside of them. And they didn't actually matter. And so when you start to have an experience with a lover, who shows up just because they want to, you feel more seen you feel more whole, something happens in the foundation of our nervous system, that can be really remarkable. So yeah, there's lots of good reasons for all of us to learn about this stuff. Including, it's not my bag. I tried it, not for me. Okay, good to know.
Unknown Speaker
Exactly, exactly. Well, I just really want to highlight this what you said about, you know, coming to love instead of Now, last year words exactly. But I was just really moved by that. Because it really is, as you said earlier, when we come with love, and we join with love, it's such a different experience. So I'm curious.
Unknown Speaker
It feels like
Unknown Speaker
what would you like, if if somebody were to get one thing out of our time together? What might that be?
Unknown Speaker
Well, I hope to inspire people to have hope, especially if they feel a little hopeless about who they are as a lover. They feel insecure that they're not. I don't know that they're not enough. Whatever that is. I want to reassure you that if you put your attention on love, you're gonna find that yummy wholeness, that secure, nervous system that can take risks and have fun and be like a kid again. You know, that's like the biggest tragedy is that we take sex so seriously, when really it should be a place where we get to relax our weary soul Furman and have some fun sex is supposed to be fun, y'all. And so I hope that if it stopped being fun that you will reach out to other professionals like Deb and myself and and find your hope again. Find your fun, your playful kid again.
Unknown Speaker
Beautiful. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to have gotten to spend time with my dear friend. We are paper, tantra, educator extraordinaire, and the host of the sex reimagined podcast you
Unknown Speaker
Yes. And is it okay if I offer your audience a free gift? Absolutely. Okay. So if you go to my website more love works.com That just click on the free gift tab, and it will direct you to being able to get a video that will explain this thing that women do when they get close to having a clitoral orgasm. And then somehow it disappears on them. Like they're so close, they're right about to go through the door, and then boom, their orgasm disappears. Well, this has been happening since the beginning of time all across the world. And I have discovered what we are doing this simple, easy mistake that nearly all Volvo owners make that prevents them from having the big O. So it's for everyone to consume and experience and my request is that you learn it and then you go tell everyone you know, really important. It's such a simple technique that once you know it, you'll stop repeating it.
Unknown Speaker
Oh my god, I love that. So the link is in the show notes below. Thank you again so much, Leah, for joining me today. And for those of you listening, you have been listening to the better sex podcast, the place to learn to be a better lover. So if you want to do your part to make the world a better place to spread more love more sex, better love better sex. Please hit like, subscribe and leave a comment. And we'll see you next time. Thanks so much.
Unknown Speaker
Love, love, love