Bondage, Massage and Blindfolds OH MY!
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Deborah [00:00:05]:
We like to talk about our bodies as instruments. And so just like any other instrument, whether it's a violin or a tuba, you want to learn how to play it, and you want to learn how to experience all of it, right? So you really want to learn how to play it good solo before you maybe step into a duo or join the quartet or join the orchestra. And that is actually one of the things that the tantra Institute is really good at, is helping us to learn how to play our own instruments. So, as an instrument, I want to learn how to play not just all of the high notes, but I want to come down into the low notes. And as I said earlier, I'm not only a tantra teacher, but I've also been a professional dominatrix. Now, some people are like, what? That's, you know, that seems completely opposite. But if you bear with me for a minute, I'll tell you a little bit about my story, and I'll tell you that really, these two, uh, these two art forms, if you will, are not only complementary, but they are the base and the top notes to each other. So, um, I like to say that I was good in my past life, and I got to be born in San Francisco.
Deborah [00:01:45]:
And what I mean by that was that I was an already growing up in an alternative setting. And then I came of age sexually at the Renaissance fair. And if any of you know about the Renaissance fair, you know that there's costumes, there's props, there's improvisation, and there's power exchange, right? Because, you know, some people are playing nobles and some of us are playing washer women or whatever. But anyway, so it's kind of natural that these things would then move into the evening and into our sexual play. And so, for many years, I dated men from the Renaissance fair. In fact, I didn't even know I was kinky until I got to college. And I was like, stop dating guys from the Renaissance fair. And I was like, what do you mean you don't want to dress up? What do you mean you don't want to be my.
Deborah [00:02:51]:
Like, you know, my stable boy, so I can be your mistress, or maybe you can be the Lord, and I'll be your serving girl? Like, what do you mean you don't want to play these games? Like, it was truly surprising to me because, well, it was so much fun to play that way. So, anyway, so I started dating these guys that weren't really into it, and it really shut me down. Like, it actually kind of was, like, really surprised me. And I actually ended up with a lot of shame and did what many of us do when we feel shame is, you know, I went inside and I stopped wanting to play. So then I discovered Tantra. And I discovered Tantra in the way that I discover many really cool things in my life is I had this friend, and she was like, hey, there's this thing you should come to with me. And so because I wanted to be connected to her, I said yes. And I ended up at a tantra and a tantra event.
Deborah [00:03:58]:
And I started to notice how similar some of these concepts were to the concepts that I had been playing with, you know, in my. In my past life or in my past sex life, I should say. But there's this idea of having a container, right? There's this idea of having different roles, right? We have the masculine and the feminine, just like we have a dom or a sub. And so I started to notice all of these connections, and I also started to notice that the more I was willing to step in and play, the more fun I could have. And so, long story short, I ended up in a situation where not only did I get to play, but I got to train people to play. And so this process, if you will, is called bondisage. And what bondisage is, is bondisage is a combination of massage and bondage and sensory deprivation. We're going to talk a little bit about that today.
Deborah [00:05:23]:
I'm going to tell you a little bit about it, and then I am going to show you a few implements of destruction that you might have around the house that can be. We call it. We call them pervertibles, but it's things that you can use to play with that you may or may not have around the house, for instance. So just. I just want to talk a little bit about these concepts. Right? So bondage. Bondage can actually be something that is. So basically, the idea of bondage is you are in a position and you are not moving.
Deborah [00:06:09]:
Now, you can be actually tied or restrained in a position, or you can have somebody tell you, put your hands over your head and don't move. So I'm just going to invite everybody for just a moment to go ahead and put your hands over your head and just notice how you feel. And so if I were just to say to you, keep your hands over your head and don't move, at a certain point, you might want to move. So you can go ahead and put your hands down, but the place where you start to get fatigued or you want to move, that's where that's where the fun begins, right? Because what happens at that point is you get to decide, is it okay for someone to move? Is it not okay for someone to move? Is there a consequence for their moving? Or is there an acceptance of their moving? So does that make sense? You can go ahead and give me the thumbs up if that's okay. Great. So that's bondage. And one of the things I've learned about bondage is that people who need more of a physical release are often attracted to bondage, right? They're folks who, they want something to press up against. So a lot of times, and there's different kinds of bondage, right? So, like I said, you can just be restrained, which is hands and feet, or you can be completely immobilized.
Deborah [00:07:55]:
And for some people, that that immobilization, that wrapping, gives them a feeling of safety. It gives them something to push up against. Does that make sense? So I've noticed that there's a kind of surrender, if you will, that comes from pushing. It's like the person is restrained. They're pushing up against whatever is holding them. And then when they stop pushing, there's often a flood or a release that happens in their body. So that's what I've noticed about people who are interested in bondage, is they often want that kind of an experience. For people who want the more impact play, think spanking or flogging or things like that, what they're often looking for is they're looking for a way back into their bodies.
Deborah [00:08:55]:
Oftentimes they don't have a way of. Of being in their bodies, right? So, for instance, when I was in, when I was in. So I went to my undergrad was in philosophy of law. I thought I was going to go on to law school, but that didn't happen. I ended up in Washington, DC. And that's where my career as a professional dominatrix started. But when I was in finals or when I was writing a paper or when I was in a really heavy space, what I wanted more than anything else was something to get back into my body. And so spanking, flogging, all of these impact experiences really helped me get back into my body.
Deborah [00:10:08]:
Does that make sense? Okay, great. So then we come to the last part, which is sensory deprivation, which is one of my favorites. And so this can be anything from a blindfold to headphones, to using scent, to using taste, right? So all of these different things are ways in which we play with our senses, right? So when you have a blindfold, it often will highlight other senses. Right. Because I can't see my ears perk up because I can't see the. I'm going to get it that my. My sense of smell becomes stronger because I can't see the feeling that transfers from the ground into my body as somebody walks around is much more heightened. And so bondisage takes these three different aspects, if you will, three different techniques, and it brings it together in what's a really lovely session or a really lovely sequence.
Deborah [00:11:36]:
And what makes it bondisage and not something else is there is a sequence so that as you go through it, you end up pretty much with a guaranteed result of a very happy sub. Or actually, both of you would be very happy, because hopefully, whoever's the dom or the doer really enjoys what they're doing, or they wouldn't be there. One of the things that I really wanted to emphasize here is the way in which we talk about creating a sequence. And what I mean by that is, what is the flow? And just like a tantra experience, there's a certain flow, right? Oftentimes in Tantra, we come together, we ground, we share experiences. We share what we're looking for, our fears, our desires, our boundaries. We know who is doing to what, what is going to happen. There's some time to escalate, some time to play, and then there's generally a time, a coming downtime, right. And a closing of the container.
Deborah [00:12:49]:
And that's very much the same type of experience that one would have with bondessage or hopefully any other kind of kink, right. Is you create a container, the container allows for opening, it allows for the dom to open, and it allows for the sub to open. Now, I'm going to just take a moment and define those two terms really quick, just in case there's someone who's not aware of what I'm talking about. So container is the space that holds the experience, right. And usually what happens is you have a dom and a sub or someone who is doing and someone who is receiving. So if you think in the tantra world, we talk more about the masculine, which holds the space, and the feminine, which fills the space. And in kink, it's very similar, except there's a little bit more. I would say there's a little bit more of a goal there.
Deborah [00:13:56]:
And it's got a little bit different of a context, but basically there's a holder and a surrender. So one of the first questions I always ask when I want to play with somebody is, how do you want to feel when this experience is all done and the container is all closed up. How do you want to feel? So you may want to feel released or embodied or connected. And if I know that I know how I'm going to play a little bit differently. I'm going to play a little bit differently. If somebody says they want to feel connected, then if they want to feel embodied, and then I would want to ask more questions about, well, what do you mean by that? So you set up the who's doing what? You set up the sort of destination, if you will, embodied, connected, released. And then you start talking about what implements of destruction are we going to play with now? I like to bring things into the container versus pushing them out. So a lot of people will start with, what are your boundaries and what are your limits? And I've done that for a while.
Deborah [00:15:27]:
And for me, it doesn't feel like it works as well. For me, I like to go the other way and say, okay, well, we're going to play for an hour. What kind of toys do we want to bring in? This seems like a really good time to show you some of my toys. Now, I didn't bring anything that is typical of a bdsm scene, but all of these things are things you can find around the house. First of all, I found this is a curtain. You know, it holds the curtain back. And I like it because it's rather flexible. There's a couple of things I can do with it.
Deborah [00:16:11]:
As you can tell, it's got this tassel end at the end. Right? So I can use that as a sensual toy. Right. I can also use this end to. To restrain. Right. And it looks kind of cool because then it has the tassel happening there. Or I could use this as more of something that is going to have a little bit more impact.
Deborah [00:16:47]:
So I can use it more like that. And even as something that is impactful, I want to add some sensuality to it, because that's just the way I play now. I just want to say something about, like, everybody's got a different flavor to their dom, right. For me, my flavor is sort of the. Of course you're going to do what I want. Why wouldn't you? You want to make me happy, right? So there's that. So that's my particular flavor. There's some that come in with more of a corporal flavor.
Deborah [00:17:29]:
One of my. So my mentor came from the military, excuse me, came from the military, was a drill sergeant and was very, very precise about the way he domed and he played. So we've got a very different flavor going on. Now, if somebody really wants that more like stern, that stern dom, I can certainly step into it. But it's not my. It's not my sweet spot. My sweet spot is that I'm just. I like to play with the sensation.
Deborah [00:18:05]:
I'm much more of a sensual dom than sort of a corporal dom, if you will. So that would be one of my first things that I brought. And then this necklace can also be used in a whole lot of different ways. Right. I can put it. I can, again, use it as restraint, but it's metal. So this means that I can put it in the refrigerator, or I can put it in a glass of ice water. That changes the temperature, that changes the sensual experience.
Deborah [00:18:46]:
So when we're looking. And again, it's got a feel to it, right? I can drape it. I can drape the whole thing. I can drape a little part of it. It's a way I can play with it in a lot of different ways. One thing I wanted to mention is when you are thinking about sensual play or sensory deprivation, you're thinking about three different things. Tempo, temperature, and texture. So these two have very, very different textures, right? You know, the feeling of the silkiness versus the feeling of the metal.
Deborah [00:19:36]:
And again, I can put this in the refrigerator, and it's going to have a different temperature. Or I can put it in a cup of hot water and it'll have a different temperature. So all of these, you know, so there's always a few different ways you can play with the same thing. So one of the other things I brought, innocent looking cutlery, right? So the fork is a very, very. It's got a whole lot of different textures to it. It's got the pokiness. It's got a smoothness. And again, it's also got a little bit of a thump to it, if you will.
Deborah [00:20:36]:
The knife can be used, again, this is something that can be put in the refrigerator for a very different experience, but it can be used flat. It can also be used on the blade part for a little bit of a different feel feel to it. Now, I can say if somebody is blindfolded, I can talk about my big six inch bowie knife, which is razor sharp, and then I can touch them with my butter knife. And it's going to. It's going to have a very different effect, right. Because I've been, you know, I've created a story in their head of what I'm doing. Does that make sense? So if somebody is into that kind of play, it's very easy to have something that is rather innocuous, but tell a story in such a way that it has a lot more oomph to it, if you will. And then the spoon, again, it has some soft parts to it, but it also.
Deborah [00:22:05]:
You can take it and you can put it on your sub's nose and just, you know, it kind of goes into, it can, you know, sort of go into humiliation play where there's a little bit of embarrassment or whatnot. Or I can, you know, have them open their, open their mouth and I can. I can put it in their mouth and have them hold it. And I'm not sure why I would do that, but it sounded like a good idea, so I thought I'd put it out there. I mean, there's all sorts of things that, you know, you are not. The only limitation you have here is your own creativity. Right. So.
Deborah [00:22:52]:
And I've done whole scenes where I wasn't necessarily prepared for something, and things just sort of evolved as they will. And the only thing I had around was cutlery from room service. So I just invite you to be creative. Next thing I have is my little stone heart. What I love about this is not only does it have. It has different. It has weight to it, so I can put it on somebody's. I can put it on somebody's heart, and it has some weight.
Deborah [00:23:48]:
It's also cold, so it's got temperature. And if I just move it this way, it's, you know, use it as a. As a gain. As a. If I use it for the texture, it's smooth. Right. So let's see. This is looking all too familiar these days.
Deborah [00:24:19]:
However, if all you got is one of these, again, you can use this as a. You can use this as a restraint, right. You can also use it as a blindfold. So I just invite you to be creative, like, there is nothing. There is nothing that you can't pervert like, truly. So I'm going to just check really quick. It looks like there's a question in the chat. We can touch these items? Oh, absolutely.
Deborah [00:25:08]:
Absolutely. So I'm just using my, my arms. But, you know, imagine. Imagine the tips of the fork going across a nipple. Or, you know, imagine the, the smooth part of the fork coming across a genital piece. You know, either on the. You know, if it's. If you're with a female bodied person around the vulva, you know, you could do some very interesting things to the clitoris with the top of this, or you could maybe bring them together and play on different parts of the genitals.
Deborah [00:25:59]:
So let's see here. Another rather innocuous looking thing. Yeah. So, I mean, with male genitals, you can do all sorts of interesting things. This can be actually be used for. If you think about it, you could use this for. For. What am I trying to say here? You can put this around the cock and balls and use it as a little bit of cock and ball torture.
Deborah [00:26:30]:
Or you can also use. Yeah, so basically any of these things can go. Can go any places. Now, I want to be very. So if you are considering putting, inserting anything, please be sure it has a flange. A flange means that it has a bigger piece to it so that it's not going to be inserted and disappear. Unfortunately, I didn't think to bring a reg to bring something with a flange. But basically, it's like, if you are inserting something, like you wouldn't want to insert this because there's nothing.
Deborah [00:27:24]:
It's small all the way up and all the way down and could disappear. And as the emergency room has definitely seen just about everything, they've removed a lot of things and you just don't want that to be you. So please don't insert anything that doesn't have a flange. And I'm going to leave it at that. So a couple more things. This is one of my absolute favorite toys. It might look like a towel and it is, but it has a lot of different uses. For one thing, it's got a texture to it.
Deborah [00:28:17]:
So if you're blindfolded and somebody runs the towel over your body, it's got a really lovely sensation. And if you are to, you know, if you again want. It needed something for a blindfold. There you go. Also in terms of. It can also be an impact toy as you sort of use it as a. I can't remember exactly what the. The term for that would be, but, you know, you snap the towel and you get them on the tush.
Deborah [00:29:09]:
So those are just some ideas to get you started.
Key [00:29:15]:
Hi, Deborah, it's Amy.
Deborah [00:29:18]:
Hi, Amy.
Key [00:29:19]:
It's good to see you.
Deborah [00:29:22]:
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What can I do for you, my dear?
Key [00:29:27]:
What is it about bondage that you. That makes you want it, that you like about it?
Deborah [00:29:37]:
Oh, gosh, that's a great question. So for me, if I. There's. There's a couple ways that I like to be restrained. So one of them is, you know, just the idea of being. Of being helpless and of being with somebody that I really trust. So first of all, I just want to say, please don't let somebody tie you up that you don't know pretty well. You know, there definitely needs to be a level of trust, and you want somebody that's got some skill and some compassion, so.
Deborah [00:30:25]:
But what I like about it is I like being out of control. I like also, I didn't really talk about it, but there are ways in which you can be, you know, either like imagine a blanket being swaddled in, a big blanket so that you're confined. I personally, that feels really good to me, and that feels really safe to me. I know that, like, with some of my clients, they like the opportunity to push back and to exhaust themselves. You know, if you think about, like a baby, right, or a little kid trying, like, they've got all this extra energy and they just. They need to push it out. So I think that is one of the, one of the, the attractions to bondage, if you will. And some people just really like that feeling of restraint.
Deborah [00:31:25]:
We didn't really talk much about rote bondage because that's a definite. There's a whole art form around that called Shabari where it's like people will use the body as part of the artistic creation. So did that answer the question, Amy?
Key [00:31:47]:
Yes. Thank you.
Deborah [00:31:52]:
Let's see. So one of the things that I wanted to talk a little bit about is the negotiation that goes into playing with somebody, right. So first of all, it's important that you know that you have a good sense of who you're playing with. And then there's a way in which you want to talk about. About the play that you're going to do, right. So as I mentioned earlier, scenes have a container, and that can be a time container. Like, let's just say, you know, we're going to play together for an hour. So if we know that we're going to play together for an hour, there's a way in which I'm going to think about that time.
Deborah [00:32:43]:
So maybe a third of it is going to be our negotiation. And as we negotiate, that's how we're going to start getting into our roles. When I'm Dom, I like to negotiate with my partner on their knees. I like to start the power differential right away because I'm short and I tend to work with men a lot and they tend to be taller. I tend to like them naked on their knees as we discuss these things. And so, you know, and in that conversation, we're going to talk about things like, I'm just going to say that this is. Assume I'm playing with a male identified partner, and I'm going to say, so, what words do you have for your genitals? What words are turn ons for your genitals? Some men, they refer to their genitals as their cock, their lingam, their dick, George. They have names that are particular for them, and there are names that are turn ons.
Deborah [00:33:59]:
Just like for women, there's certain words that we want our genitals to be, which are turn ons, but other words that are going to shut us down. So that's one of the questions I'll ask. I'll also ask, do you want. Is it more of a turn on for you to be my good boy or my bad boy? Right. Because we have different desires there. As somebody that's always thought of myself as sort of being a naughty girl to begin with, I want to be your good girl. If we're playing together and you're my dom, I want to be your good girl. I want you to tell me that I'm good, that I'm, you know, that I.
Deborah [00:34:45]:
That I've done everything right. So that's the way I like to be praised, as a sub. And so, you know, I want to find that out from my. My sub. Like, what are the words that are going to turn them on? Is it more about if I do something to them, if I spank them? Is it about punishment? Is it about consequences? Is it about you're going to just take this spanking? Because it makes me happy. That's a very important distinction to make, because those words are going to turn. They can either open up and turn on or they can close things down. So I want to discuss those things.
Deborah [00:35:35]:
I also want to know, are there words that are going to shut you down? Are there words that are going to turn you off and stop the play? I want to know these things because words are really powerful, especially as they are, you know, especially as we are playing in a realm that for some people, could be really edgy and for some people could bring things up. So I don't know how many of you were checking out. We're here when. For Omrapani's stuff, really good stuff, by the way, if you haven't checked it out, I highly recommend it. But one of the things that he said that just really resonated with me is he talked about how when something has been done to us unconsensually and then we bring it into the consensual world, we may have an emotional reaction that we are not prepared for that takes us by surprise. And so, you know, these are some of the things we want to talk about in advance of playing, because it can be a very charged, emotionally charged place to play. It can be incredibly healing. Incredibly healing.
Deborah [00:37:02]:
And so, you know, that is the direction that we're going for, is loving and healing. I also wanted to just take a moment. And so I mentioned earlier, finding out how, at the end of our play, how does somebody want to feel? That's super important, because let's just say that person says they want to feel released. I'm like, great. So then I want to ask some more questions. Well, what kind of release do you want? Is that attention release? And is that going to go more into the sexual realm, or do you want tears? Because those are going to be two very, very different scenes. 1 may be tease and denial, and another 1 may be a heavier impact play. So, yeah, so then, so I would ask those questions, and there's so much more to negotiation and so many more nuanced questions to get into.
Deborah [00:38:14]:
But the basic deal. The basic deal is figuring out what roles are being played, what game is being played, and how are you going to end it. Right. And what I mean by that is when you come to the end of a scene, especially something that could be very emotional, you want to make sure that you have time to close that box up. You want to make sure that you have time to reconnect in a more mundane way. I don't want to walk away still in the role of someone's Dom. I don't want, you know, I don't want to walk away with my sub in the role of, you know, what? My bad boy or my good boy. Right.
Deborah [00:39:19]:
Let's see. I've got a question here. What would you do differently to create connected feelings versus embodied? Sure. So a connected feeling is between two people. Embodied could be that I just helped that person get into their body. That could mean that the whole scene is impactful. The whole scene is like, starting from the top of their head, going all the way down to their foot, and making sure that every, you know, every part of their body is touched so that they're lit up. They're connected to all of their body.
Deborah [00:40:13]:
So let's see. There's a question about, as a therapist, how do I advertise this and how much you charge? That is a. As a licensed therapist, I don't think you can do this. It's. Yeah, but we can have a conversation about what it would be to be a professional so. And that's a whole other conversation. Is there anything else you can discuss about the massage side from. Yes, absolutely.
Deborah [00:40:54]:
So in terms of massage. So I like to say that the way that I came into all of this is as a massage therapist. As a massage therapist, I. I would notice that people were getting into this really blissy state. And I also noticed that there were things that were more effective and less effective and then invited my play partners to kind of experiment a little bit. So, in terms of massage, if you think about the massage, the massage tools that we have. Right. If you go to a massage shop, they often have, like, hot stones, right? They often.
Deborah [00:41:53]:
And the stones are used both temperature wise, but you can also use them, like, as a tool. Like, this is not. This heart happens to fit really well into my hand, and it helps to actually add pressure. So if I'm doing a stroke up someone's body, it helps to add pressure. And if I put it in hot water, it adds temperature to it. So again, we have that. And then if I slow it down, or it's going to have a very different feeling than if I go fast. Right.
Deborah [00:42:31]:
Does that make sense?
Gee [00:42:34]:
Hello there, Deborah.
Deborah [00:42:36]:
Hi.
George [00:42:38]:
First of all, this is an excellent introduction. Knowing everything and all that. I'm so glad to be a part of it. My question was, emotionally, I seem to have problems connecting with whoever I'm involved with because of a confidence level. And I'm not saying I have a lack of it. I feel I have way too much, and I can't connect with them on that because they're not being honest with me when I end up asking them the question. So my question is, how can I go about that without one, being too pushy or two, not giving enough info to actually connect with them on that level, or basically sleep on it myself and wait to them to get to me. So it's basically three questions in one.
Deborah [00:43:31]:
Okay, so let's see if I get this. So here's my. Here's answer number one. So I'm imagining that you have grounding practices. And when I say grounding practices, I mean, like, feeling your feet on the ground and then bringing that energy up so that you're also connected to your genitals, and then bringing that energy up so that you're also connected to your heart. It's very.
Gee [00:44:05]:
Yeah, I got you.
Deborah [00:44:06]:
Okay, great. So that is what you can do on your side, right, to bring yourself present, because presence is about you being able to feel your own, your own emotions and your own experience, and then being able to hold yourself while you come into contact with someone else. So that would be step one, right? Step two would be, you know, noticing, you know, are you going at the. Is the pace that you are engaging with the appropriate pace? And one of the ways that you know that is, are they staying with you? Right. Can you feel them in their. Can you feel the connection in your heart? Can you feel the connection in your belly? Does that make sense?
Gee [00:45:00]:
Yes, of course.
Deborah [00:45:01]:
And then, you know, as in terms of, here's the annoying thing about dealing with people. They have free will. And the thing is, it's like, we can only. We can make offers and we can make requests. I mean, we can force people to do things, but that never turns out well, right? So it's really noticing, like, oh, is it that we get to this point and then something happens, they dissipate, or am I going too fast? Am I going, you know, am I not escalating fast enough? Are we on. Are we even on the same ride together? I don't know about you, but I've certainly been in situations where I'm thinking we're on the same ride together. And actually, I've been on, like, the, you know, the roller coaster, and they're, like, in the bumper cars. And so it's.
Deborah [00:46:02]:
It's. It's noticing, like, are we. Are we actually connected or are we bumping up against each other? Each other. How's that landing?
Gee [00:46:14]:
Everything sounds incredible. Thank you.
Deborah [00:46:16]:
And do you have a follow up or a little bit deeper?
Gee [00:46:19]:
Yeah, I do. As I just mentioned, my confidence level has basically hit the roof within the last couple of years, and I am absolutely proud of it. I'm happy with how much I've grown, but I feel like my growth and development has been a hinder because of all these connections. I'm being honest with them, but they're not being honest with me. So when we get into relationships or wonderful, intimate encounters, it's like they shut down. It's great.
Deborah [00:47:00]:
Well, I'm imagining, you know, one of the reasons that people. People shut down is they don't feel safe. One of the reasons that people don't shut or that they shut down is that they become overwhelmed. Right. So. And it's, you know, one of the kind of sad truths is the more, you know, the more consciousness we have, and the more, you know, the more we want to play with somebody. Sometimes we actually have less people that want to play in that realm. It's like when we.
Deborah [00:47:40]:
For instance, it's like, one thing you might consider is it's like, oh, well, maybe bringing them to an event where they get taught the same tools I have. I've had people bring dates to tantra, speed date, just to learn the experience. Experience. And just to have their partner have the experience of being in the presence of, you know, divine masculine or being in the presence of divine feminine. Because, you know, one of the things that we have different ways of doing our healing, we can do it together, and we can also allow someone, you know, the healing to happen separately. Does that. How's that?
Gee [00:48:30]:
It's hilarious how you mentioned that, because I thought about that when you first started this tonight. Being single, I don't think anybody that's in the same position I am. Meaning being single is going to be into something like this unless they already know about it. I think it's going to scare them off. They're going to think like, what is your problem? I'm like, you're taking a seminar and how to be a better lover. I'm like, no, no, no. I am a great lover. I just think I can up the ante.
Deborah [00:48:58]:
Well, there you go. And, you know, here's the thing. You can always put it out there and see what comes back. Right? You can always, like, send out the invite to, you know, five people and see who raises their hand. You may end up on a very crowded date or perhaps meet somebody there. How's that sound?
Gee [00:49:24]:
Fantastic. Thank you for everything.
Deborah [00:49:27]:
All right, Ann, it looks like you've got your hand raised. Yeah.
Joseph [00:49:31]:
Hey, thanks so much for the wonderful presentation. I just actually wanted to connect with Matthew on this topic of, you know, from my own experience, I can say that there are times when I feel really brave and forward with a man. And really, you know, I'm really into the sexual connection and I want to explore more. And sometimes once things get more intimate and actually connected versus just embodied. Embodied. Things are really easy for me. Like, I can go into a tantra crowd, an event, and just look like, whatever, strip naked, touch. Many people be very free and sexual.
Joseph [00:50:18]:
And when it comes to real intimacy, it gets really scary for me because it touches on an old wound that is connected to intimacy with my father, with shaming around my mom. So when real feelings start to come up or a sense that real intimacy is required, that this isn't just a hookup or. And. Or in the positive of ways, an exchange of mutually agreed, you know, kink play or tantra play, that's when we really touch our souls and things get scary. So what generally works for me is to really dial back the sexuality and to be held like a child or to be touched in a way that a child would be touched. So there's not no demands, but just hair stroking or face stroking or just kind of bringing that person in with. With the least demands and with the sense of, like, you're safe here and feel what you're feeling and inviting the anxiety to come up and. And move through and just, like, not suppress it.
Joseph [00:51:26]:
And then, like, ghost you or something like that, which I don't ghost, but I can really see how, you know, when someone's really interesting to me and then they really show up for me, it's when I want to run the other way, and it's just an anorexic pattern, you know, that. That so many of us have, and especially on dating apps. So, yeah, thank you so much for.
Deborah [00:51:50]:
Bringing that up, because, you know, it's true. It's like, on the one side, we have this longing for something, and yet actually allowing ourselves to have it is a whole nother story. And I think that's one of the things that's so beautiful about this community in particular, that there is that understanding that we are looking for something better. We're looking to be better lovers. Anyway, thank you all so much. I would love if you either wanted to, to put in the chat or raise your hand. We're getting to the end of our time and just let me know. What are you leaving with.
Key [00:52:41]:
Deborah? I am leaving with to make sure to trust someone before letting them tie me in bondage.
Deborah [00:53:04]:
Great. Thank you.
George [00:53:06]:
I guess my desires really fall into connections. I need. I have desires to know how to connect. If bondage BDSM allows me to connect with somebody, that's. That's the asset test for me. All the other ones are intriguing, but they would be an ends to a means. I want connections. That's what I'm looking for.
George [00:53:34]:
I do dancing. I do. I do flow. I don't have a problem flowing through the other one, but the end goal has to be connections. If I don't have a. If it doesn't resolve in a connection, a deep connection, I can flow through the other ones, but then it becomes I'm doing something for somebody else, and that if that makes me feel good, then I'll do it for that. But for myself, the end goal is the connection. That's what feels strong to me.
George [00:54:04]:
That's the flow I want to get into and find. I don't have a problem ebbing and flowing out of the other ones. But if they say this is just fun playing. I don't want a connection. I want to turn around and walk away. That doesn't turn me on.
Deborah [00:54:19]:
Yeah. So I hear that. Great. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining me here today. And I hope to see you as we dive in deeper, more connection, more tools. And, yes, somebody mentioned eye gazing, and there is nothing quite like looking somebody in the face when they're all tied up and gazing deeply into it, their eyes when they've got nowhere to go. So on that note, again, I just want to say thank you so much, and I just want to invite everybody to join us again next week.
Deborah [00:54:57]: