Deborah Oppenheim

  /  Advice   /  How do You Want to Feel?

How do You Want to Feel?

Have you ever had a dating experience, where the online profile or even initial conversation totally seemed like: “Oh, my god.  This is the woman of my dreams!  Ideal and matches my criteria in all ways!”  And then you go on a first date (or maybe second) and it falls apart.  You are bored, she doesn’t seem engaged, there is no connection, it doesn’t feel all that good and you can’t wait for the date to end?


Yeah.  That.


Everything we try and accomplish is tied to a feeling we are seeking.  For example, You want a particular job because it makes you feel secure, or challenged or excited or something else.  For every “thing” you go choose to go after, there is actually a feeling underneath it.


Think about the choices you make in your romantic or sex life and if they make you feel good, or you chose it because it ‘looks’ good on paper?


I notice the subtle ways that I do this all the time.  For example, I was just at a sexy conference where a guy seemed to have all the right things – the outfit, the experience, the look, but when I went up and started talking to him… there was just nothing there.  The conversation was stiff and shallow, I was bored and I realized quickly I was looking to exit the conversation.  Later on, I saw a guy who didn’t seem like anything special, but we started talking, hit it off and I felt lit up and turned on by our conversation.  You can imagine which one I spent more time with!


So, let me ask you:


Are you choosing a woman because she seems like she shares a brain with you and agrees on every point perfectly?


Or, are you choosing a woman because, despite lots of differences…. when you are with her, you feel like a king?


Wherever you put your attention and time, you are making a choice.  It may be a conscious choice OR a choice of inertia, but it’s still a choice


So, there are two things I’m getting at here:


#1: HOW to choose?  Choose based on the answer to this question: “How do I want to feel?”.  Choose what feeds the answer to that question.  For example, I want to feel sexy.  Who or what makes you feel that way?  Choose that.


#2 2: I invite you, with that question, to be mindful and empowered with the choices you make.  Be aware, and what I would call, “Choiceful” in your choosing rather than complacent, unconscious, or making a choice to not choose (which, by the way, is a choice)


Once you know how you want to feel… you can make more mindful choices more often to feel that feeling more. And guess what… that’s how your relationships (and life) will start to feel.


Give me more of that, please!

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